


Recollections

by Continentaldrift



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Mutants, Other, Reincarnation, Soulmates, Will add more tags as I go, daehyun is a transgirl, everyone is lgbtqia+, gender changes happen like every??? cycle thing, himchan and youngjae are the token cis, nonbinary!jongup, people die but like they arent really ded you know??? reincarnation does that??, there are tws for each chapter please read them, yongguk is a transboy, zelo is also nb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-09-16 00:05:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9265025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Continentaldrift/pseuds/Continentaldrift
Summary: In every lifetime so far, Jongup's crushing self-doubt had slowly destroyed them all.Maybe this time things would be different. Or maybe, somehow, they would be exponentially worse.Unfortunately, one of this group's many talents is that, without even really trying, they can collectively manage to fuck things up so badly it lasts nearly a millennia into the future. Or maybe, unfortunately, they don't.(in which b.a.p are soulmates, go into space, and theres some drama)





	1. Just Past (prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> Tw actual suicide, discussion of suicide, ableist slurs, lowkey ment of dissociation, death/murder/gang violence, anxiety and discussion of, invalidation, a bit of war stuff with a drug ment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prologue - a preliminary discourse; a preface or introductory part of a discourse, poem, or novel.

The six of them had never made it through a full lifetime together. Not when they’d lived as kings, not in the midst of a war, and not in this sin filled lifetime. Fuck, none of them had ever made it to the end of their natural lives full stop. Jongup had never been one to stand out, to change routine. In his next life, he might regret the deep gouges in his arms, a very clear sign of how his last life ended, but that was for someone else to deal with now.

His favourite knife, usually comfortably warmed by the heat of his hand, was cooling on the floor, the blood pouring down his wrists making it too hard to hold anymore. It landed with a wet splat. Even if he wanted to call for help, nobody would come. There wasn't anyone left to hear him scream. Although it wasn't like anyone had really ever been there to listen in the first place.

Nobody would find him for days. Weeks maybe. The others were all dead and nobody else knew about their house. Nobody else had known about the six of them either. None of the others had remembered, but now they were all gone the memories were all Jongup could see. Yongguk, their captain, writing poetic letters back to Junhong. Junhong's face when she was greeted by Yongguk in a box, instead of by her side. Youngjae's face as he slipped Daehyun some of the last morphine so that his death with be peaceful. Himchan's face when she learnt that the man who had been writing letters back to her wouldn't be coming home. Even the lifetime before, where Yongguk and Junhong stood as royalty, their lives ended in tragedy. Their very own mark on history. 

Daehyun’s plushies littered the house, Junhong’s art lined the walls. Himchan’s nagging still echoed through the halls, and the smell of ramen and Yongguk’s favourite deodorant was everywhere. Youngjae’s cords emerged from every power point, but the only mark Jongup could leave behind was his red lifeblood across the off white tiles. Their home was ruined now. Really, it had been a sham from the start. At least nobody else was around to see it.

It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.

Well, maybe a little.

But Jongup had never really been one of them. Of course, they had all said he was, but actions spoke louder than words. He had never felt like he was a part of the puzzle, but instead a piece that had been forced into the wrong place and was now unable to wriggle free. Wedged in too tight, the edges of their expectations crushing him.

In this life he was ‘the psycho one’, the one who killed without remorse or hesitation, his only interests outside of killing were 'pokemon and weapons' apparently. At least that how everyone seemed to think. It was funny how Yongguk could talk about being stereotyped and in the same breath say Daehyun was more suited for a mission because he was ‘less bloody’, as if Jongup was incapable of being subtle and clean. (He hadn’t been entirely wrong, but the lack of trust still hurt.)

Jongup had never wanted this. The killing, the gang, the guns, he’d wanted none of it. He had wanted to finish school, become a mechanic and eventually settle down with a dog. But Junhong had been making heart eyes at Yongguk ever since they met at some underground rap event, and Himchan made him feel safe. Like it was okay to be not okay sometimes. Once Himchan had happened upon him with anxiety crawling it’s way up his spine, and his calming voice had managed to sooth the beast. If only for a moment. Yongguk too, had a way of making people feel comfortable despite his outward appearance. Yet he was still on the outside. After years of work, shared hardship, and giving up any and all the innocence he had left, Jongup was still on the outside. Stranded. Alone.

He wasn’t allowed to help make decisions more important than the genre of movie they would watch on a Friday night. Youngjae was the only one who could kind of understood how it felt. To be on the precipice of something great but knowing nobody would catch you if you fell. His death was Jongup's biggest regret, and the feeling of Youngjae’s arms encircling him as he grieved for his fake death would always haunt him. At least it would for the next five minutes before this purgatory faded away. The two of them had gotten along really well, neither being fully taken into the fold like the others. At least, until Daehyun.

Sweet, charming country bumpkin killer Daehyun, resident heartthrob. Daehyun who somehow wormed his way further into their little family than Jongup in a month.

But teetering on the edge like that was the birthplace of resentment. It grew, and grew and grew until it could grow no more, and then it grew a little bigger.

Daehyun had joined them last and was almost immediately brought into the ‘thing’ that Yongguk and Junhong had going on. He became Himchan’s ‘cooking while seeing how many bottles of wine I can drink before Yongguk tells me off’ buddy, and very nearly rivalled Jongup’s marksmanship. He even somehow formed the other half of ‘daejae’, bringing Youngjae in while pushing Jongup out. Jongup had never felt such a burning jealousy, watching the four of them interact with this newcomer.

Jongup had been in the gang since he was 13 years old, Daehyun only joined as an 18 year old, 3 years later. Jongup had given up his youth, but Daehyun had reaped the rewards. This all really stemmed from his raging self-esteem issues, but when Jongup had tried to talk to Junhong about it, he’d just brushed it off and told him to ‘be confident’ or whatever. If it had been that easy, it would have been done. After that, he hadn’t tried to breach the subject with anyone else, instead of trying to just keep the rage in check alone. Himchan had noticed something was wrong, but not even Jongup’s most beloved could keep him under control all the time. It wasn’t like he had a leash. And when Jongup had found out that this girl, not even a blood relative, had been more important than the gang, than all ~~five~~ four of Daehyun’s soulmates, he had lost it.

Shit, Daehyun had been willing to kill Himchan for her.

Killing the girl had made him feel better for all of a minute, until he wanted more. More suffering, more pain, more blood. He wanted to Daehyun to feel a taste of what he had felt. He wanted him to  _understand_  how it felt. Everything had felt like a game after that, the blackmail, and planting the body, and organising the sting.

The rush of completing the mission flooded his veins as he rose from the carnage. Victorious, although not how he imagined. Only Daehyun was supposed to die, but in the blur and the numb buzzing in his head, it didn’t matter. He had his winnings, the sacrifices weren’t important. However, as he ambled on home that pride turned to lead, weighing him down before his sliced open his arms to try and get it out. To remove the darkness that plagued him. His soul settled back into his body as his blood leaked out, regret tying him to earth for a few minutes longer. Maybe in the next life things wouldn’t turn out this way. Maybe in his next life, Jongup wouldn’t be an outsider. Maybe in their next life things would be okay. 

Probably not. 

After all, Jongup was always the one to fuck things up for them all. And who would he be to stand out, to change the routine.  


	2. Present (chapter 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> present - being, existing, or occurring at this time or now; current:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n - i have seen some of the original star trek but tbh i’m mostly just using google and a bit of good old fashioned bullshitting with this? Also jongup is nonbinary-genderfuck in this life and uses they/them pronouns!!! (other characters will call them ‘he’ bc they aren’t out yet which is?? yikes? but it's not on purpose) There is some transphobia and also nb erasure kind of?  
> I’ve been trying to work on my dialogue so??? Hopefully it turned out good!!

They say that the scars you’re born with can tell you how your life with your soulmate went before you remember it. Those without scars know they lived a happy life. Those with more distinct scars usually tell a different story.

Jongup has three lines stretching from their left wrist almost up to their elbow. They were silver, and would throb with an unknown pain on occasion. They couldn’t tell if it was their own pain from another time, or their soulmates’ pain from the present. 

 

Right now Jongup had never been more grateful for the longsleeves of their red starfleet uniform. 

They had applied to actually be a crew member, to go out into space rather than keeping their feet firmly in the ground, designing space ships. God, if only 6 year old Jongup could see themselves now. They’d gone from drawing the stars to being among them.

The USS Centaurion was Jongup’s greatest creation yet. Well, perhaps it wasn’t their greatest, but it was definitely their favourite. It was a small vessel, requiring a minimum crew of only 8, but being able to accommodate for up to almost 100 people in an emergency. A vast majority of it’s functions were automated, and made to be durable and long lasting.  What it lacked in offensive capabilities it made up for in it’s defence threshold. The shields were capable of dispersing laser type beams and simply absorbing other energy type blasts. This energy could then be turned back on their attackers, or used in other areas of the ship. Overall, the ship could be described as tough, or solid, similar to Jongup themselves.

Jongup had been assigned to the Centaurion as part of a mission to shut down a human trafficking ring.

There were a lot of people with mutations, including Jongup, and their extra-ordinary abilities made for ideal unpaid workers. That, and they were easily lured in with the promise of a well paying job. Mutants often struggled to find work, in fact Jongup only really had their current job because their father was an Admiral. They had to strive to be ‘the perfect son’, which sucked, but they got to do what they loved, almost without restraint.

But as much as they loved the unique craft, and it’s brilliance, they did not like the idea of sharing it with not only another engineer, but also the 6 other non-engineering crew on board. 

Hence, they had stayed up all night anxiously doing maintenance checks as much of the spacecraft as they could. The relatively easy, repetitive motions made the time pass quickly, and their anxiety quieted down a little bit. They had been part way through one of the steering panels of the command room when the soft hiss of the door opening startled them. 

“Shit, ow.”

“Shit, ohmgod are you okay? I didn’t even realise anyone was in here-” Jesus, this one was already a hell of a talker and Jongup had known them for all of ten seconds. 

“-are you even a member of the crew?” Shit, now she was looking at Jongup expectantly, as they poked their head out for under the bench, one hand pressing into the small cut on their jaw.  

“Are you?”

She spluttered.

“W-well of course I am, can’t you see the insignia on my shirt?”

Jongup bit their lip, twisting it between their teeth before looking down at their own insignia. 

“Oh. Well, I’m Jung Daehyun, and I’m going to be the other half of the engineering division.”

“Moon Jongup, it’s a pleasure.” 

“Wait, are you that kid genius? The one who like, designed and mostly built this ship?”

“Yeah?”

“Ohmygod that’s so amazing! I’m really excited to be working with you.” 

“...Me too.” 

They spoke softly, offering Daehyun a small smile before sliding back under the control panel to put everything back into place. 

“Hey, wait, weren’t you bleeding?”

“What?”

“O-On your jaw, your hand was pressing on it and you said ow and-”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. Get out.”

“This is my ship, you can’t tell me to-”

“I meant from under there, no the ship you rusty nail. Hop out.”

“Alright then?”

With a sigh, and an awkward one armed butt shuffle Jongup was sitting on the ground, eyebrows raised expectantly at Daehyun. Rolling her eyes, she crouched down to Jongup’s level. One hand rested itself delicately on their neck, thumb pressing into their cheek to turn their head to the side. 

“Hold still, and promise not to freak out okay?”

“Okay?”

“Okay. Cool, this is great, just-, let me…..” Daehyun paused, her eyes fluttering shut and her hand gently forced it’s way underneath Jongup's fingers to press onto the cut directly. 

There was a sharp flash of pain, and then nothing.

“I cannot believe you just tried to stop the bleeding with your greasy hands, you’ve probably got machine oil in your blood now.”

She rose, hands curling and uncurling before she sat back onto a different panel. Jongup just blinked, because the lights were at the perfect angle to make her look like she was glowing.

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” 

“Ah, shit-” Turning around, Daehyun’s hand flew across the screen in order to disable the noise, while Jongup sat with their hand against their jaw, dumbfounded. Although the light wasn't perfect anymore, Daehyun was still beautiful. 

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“What?”

“If you- don’t want people to know, you know, I won’t-... I won’t say anything.”

“Oh, nah, don’t worry about it. People already knew, and I don’t give a shit what they think.”

“O-oh. I’m uh…. I’m the same.”

“What, you don’t give a shit?” Daehyun laughed, although her lips curled down and her arms were crossed defensively.

“No…. I-I’m a mutant too. Telekenisis.”

“Woah, like you can move stuff with your mind? That’s wickeeeed.” 

“It’s pretty useful, yeah.”

“Show me, uh-... I mean could you please demonstrate for me?”

Laughing quietly, Jongup looked Daehyun up and down, and she began to float. At first she flailed, arms flying out and legs millling about. But then she figured she could flip herself backwards until she was basically lying in the air, and she beamed at Jongup, upside down. “Heeeyyy-”

Jongup sighed.

“Yes Daehyun?”

“Where’s the kitchen?”

“Didn’t someone give you a tour?” 

“No, they just showed me to my room and left me to explore. I don’t think anyone else has gotten here yet. Come have lunch with me?”

With another heavy sigh, Jongup slowly made their way to their feet, and allowing Daehyun to stand up on hers.

“This way.”

 

***

 

In all honesty, the only part of the cafeteria area Jongup could use independently was the replicator. Even trying to microwave popcorn had ended in disaster, so Jongup just stopped trying. 

“This is the dining area, it’s mostly just tables and storage for plates and cutlery. The replicator is over there, the dishwasher is right next to it, and the kitchen is right through here-” 

Daehyun trailed after Jongup into an incredibly underwhelming kitchen. 

“Ta-da…”

The red crept silently up Jongup’s neck and cheeks, staining their tanned skin pink. Honestly the kitchen hadn’t been a focus of the budget or original design.

“How are we supposed to cook for eight people in here.”

It wasn’t even a question, and Jongup could feel the shame creeping up their throat. And it wasn’t even that big of a deal. But this ship was basically Jongup’s child.

“I usually just use the replicator?”

“What?! That explains it, your type are always the same.”

“My type?” 

“Yeah, STEM field guys.”

Biting down on their lip, Jongup kept the words down, the denials. The sleep deprivation just increased the dysphoria exponentially.  

“Right.”

“I just pray that there are some other women on the ship, I do not want to be stuck with 7 boys for 7 months.”

“Okay. I-I need to go, bye.”

Jongup was out of there so fast they didn’t even notice Daehyun’s confused glance. They just sped out, straight into their quarters before curling up in bed. 

They were not a boy. Just the thought made them sick. Starfleet was meant to celebrate diversity, but Jongup knew that they were just ‘too different’ to be able to be taken seriously if they ever came out. That, and news would probably get to their father before Jongup got a chance to tell him themselves. 

After all this time, it still hurt. But having it come from Daehyun, someone who Jongup was now stuck with for an extended period of time, awoke old fears and now Jongup could feel themselves rattling with uncertainty. 

 

*** 

 

The Bang Twins were legendary in the academy. Bang Yongguk and Bang Yongnam had managed to come first and second place in their year, respectively, and despite both of their intentions to leave they had been assigned to the USS Centaurion. The minimum two year of service wasn’t something even the most privileged could escape. 

“Hey! Y’all are those wonder twins right?”

They both sighed. Yongnam turned to face the newcomer but Yongguk was distracted. 

“Yes, we are. Who are you?”

“Kim Himchan, I’ve been assigned to the Centaurion with you both. It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

“The pleasure is all ours. I’m Yongnam.”

Yongguk was silent, squinting at a small blob on the top of the ship.

“And this-” The blob started to move now. “- is Yongguk, my twin and the new Captain.”

“So I’ve heard. You’re chief of medical right?”

“Yeah. Do you know anything about the other crew?”

Himchan’s reply was overshadowed by a yell, which followed the blob as it slid down the side of the craft. The scream echoed through the holding garage, before pitifully trailing away as the person came to a halt in midair, several metres above the ground. Turns out it wasn’t a blob, but a member of the engineering division.

“That’s Jung Daehyun, she’s rather adventurous.”

A short yet well built young person could be seen briskly walking over to where Daehyun was hovering. She dropped with another cut off screech as they arrived beneath her, catching her in their arms before she hit the ground. 

 

***

 

“Daehyun...”

“It was an accident Jongup, I swear, Youngjae dared me to climb to the top of the craft and I had to take off my heels to do so, obviously, but then my socks made everything too slippy and once I started falling I had no idea what to do, and I just started screaming and I’m really sorry-”

“Daehyun-” Jongup’s voice was surprisingly sharp, as he slowly lowered her legs to the ground. With a quick glance at the two yellow shirts approaching (and a blue shirt going determinedly the other way) “-the maintenance codes are for actual maintenance work only. Not dares with your friends. From now on you have to find me to  be able to access the outside of the ship, understood?”

“What? Me and Youngjae were just trying to have some fun, it was a stupid dare, I swear it won’t happen again honestly, please Jongup? Please?”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? You aren’t the Captain, or the first officer, you can’t tell me what to do-”

“What’s this?”

Jongup could feel themselves tense up, shoulders pushing back and their back straightening. 

“Daehyun was-”

“I can speak for myself!” Daehyun interrupted, pushing Jongup away whilst brushing off some imaginary dust, and straightening up before speaking.

“I fell off the roof, Jongup caught me, and now he’s trying to ban me from accessing the exterior of the ship without him.”

Jongup’s pokemon hoodie, and Daehyuns clean red starfleet uniform became startlingly apparent. 

“Who are you to do that? Under who’s authority?”

“Mine. I’m head of engineering.”

Himchan burst out in laughter, hands clutching at his waist as he bent over. 

“You? You’re practically a child, how old are you, fourteen? You probably aren’t even supposed to be in here.”

“I’m 19, actually, and I am head of engineering.”

“Ok kid, what’s your name then?”

“Moon Jongup.”

There were a few moments of silence, before Jongup smiled awkwardly, turned on their heel, and strode away. They weren’t about to embarrass themselves trying to prove their credibility when they didn’t need to. They also didn't need to go through another 'oh you're that genius kid' conversation. 

“He is actually head of engineering you know right? He like, basically built this ship himself.”

“I know.”

“Ooooohohoh.” Daehyun giggled, eyes trailing after Jongup's retreating figure. 

“Don’t worry, I think he tries to act cranky but Jongup is super nice and stuff, so you’ll be fine. He won’t break your heater in your rooms or anything, like I would. I’m Jung Daehyun by the way.”

“Kim Himchan, command and navigation.”

“Bang Yongguk, Captain.”

“Shi-.... Really? That’s so cool. It’s a pleasure to meet you both, but I have to go attend to something urgently.” 

With a small wave, Daehyun was off, socked feet barely making a sound as she followed after Jongup. Jongup was hiding something, and Daehyun was determined to find out what.

“So, are you excited to be in charge of this amazing crew?”

Yongguk just grimaced, silently looking Himchan up and down before walking away.

“What was that supposed to mean?”

“.....”

“Hey, wait, answer me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully you liked this!!! Comments are feedback are encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	3. Intermediary (chapter 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> intermediary - acting as a mediator; an intermediary agent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n - i guess there is a bullying ment? Shitty kids are shitty. ment transphobia if you squint, discussion of transition. The actual disaster that was jaebum with pastel pink hair, zelo/junhong uses xie/xir/xirs pronouns bc they pronouns are hard to write with and it’s even worse when there is two theys ohmygod (also i need to learn how to use them properly so?) i barely edited this and it's cut off but there gonna be some ~~~ drama~~~ in the next chapter so please enjoy!! ( also changed the summary and lowkey the verse bc i've been ~~~ rethinking~~ some things in order to make the plot work)

 

Youngjae’s parents took him to a soul-scar analyst when he was quite young. The trip was long and further away from home than he had ever been before, at age five. The analyst concluded that his scar was a result of a gunshot to the back of the head.

It ached, sometimes, as soul-scars were known to do, but Youngjae was infinitely curious. What sort of life would have lead to a bullet through the back of his skull? And what of the fate of his other soulmates? Were they all killed in a similar manner, or did they live on without him?

Either way, Youngjae had taken to beanies from a young age. Kids could be cruel, especially towards their own. Doubly so towards those who were different.

Not everyone had soulmate scars anymore. If you managed to all make it a whole lifetime together, you would be left without a scar in the next life, and the Recollection would be triggered by the first touch. Some people, however, were assumed to not have soulmates. Whether they just didn’t meet in a time where people could live on opposite sides of the universe, or because they actually didn’t have a soulmate was unknown.

Im Jaebum was one of the first people Youngjae met who also had a soulmate scar. At least, one of the first people to have an equally obvious scar.

Jaebum’s was a clean line right across his stomach, just below his belly button. It had not faded with time like Youngjae had, still a dark angry purple when they had met. The left side was wider, and it tapered down towards the right.  He was also the first person to throw a lunchbox at another kid who ripped off Youngjae’s beanie just to laugh at his scar when they were 11.

Jaebum was a very angry child, where Youngjae was more mellow. Jaebum would blatantly attack other kids, Youngjae was hiss words in the hallways and turn people against them. They made a good team, mostly. Stubbornness was a trait they both shared, which resulted in many weeks spent with arms angrily crossed and sitting next to each other in silence. After all, there wasn’t anybody else they could sit with.

But Jaebum eventually went to see a psychologist, after being removed from his father’s care and being left with his grandparents. The transition was slow, but Jaebum went from a very angry child to a (mostly) restrained young man, but Youngjae had always been proud to call him his best friend. From throwing lunchboxes, to dodging mock phaser blasts, Youngjae would always be proud of his brother.

A shared dream had worked well in their favour. Youngjae’s more academic outlook served him well in the academy, but Jaebum’s determination had it’s own value, namely in the more physical areas of their training. Youngjae did not enjoy any form of movement more strenuous than walking to the fridge and back, whereas Jaebum thought any and all ‘theory components’ were useless and ultimately unnecessary.

Throughout their year at the academy, their mornings mostly consisted of Youngjae whining and Jaebum yelling, and their afternoons were filled with pens colliding with Jaebum’s forehead and Youngjae’s chair legs being yanked out from under him.

Both Jaebum’s grandparents, and Youngjae’s family cheered for the duo at their graduation, and Youngjae wasn’t afraid to admit they had both cried a little. Maybe a lot.

All in all, Youngjae honest to god loved Jaebum, to the ends of the earth.

But god, he was a fashion atrocity.

Jaebum knew his uniform was yellow, and he had gone and dyed his hair pastel pink anyway.

“Youngjae, it’s not even that-”

“Get away. I don’t want to be seen with you.”

“Oh really?”

When he wanted to, Jaebum could become like a limpet. Unable to be shaken off. He had probably learnt it from Jackson. The way one of his arms curled around his shoulder, and the other up from under his ribs, was most definitely reminicint of Jaebums ‘n-not a crush, psh, I don’t even like the guy’.

“You’re disgusting.”

“I mean, you’re not wrong.”

“Im Jaebum! You aren’t supposed to agree when I insult you.”

“Yoo Youngjae! You aren’t supposed to say things you don’t mean, but here we are.”

Youngjae just huffed, arms crossing as eh continued to walk. Jaebums shoes squeaked on the linoleum.

“Whatever.”

“Hey- woah there, your hair is-”

The girl’s lips twisted down and her face scrunched up as if she had smelt something rotten.

“-amazing, I know right?”

Jaebum’s grin was icy. The girl just laughed.

“I was gonna day shit, but you do you man. I would just go back to black though, we already have a cotton candy head here. Only-” She paused, her hand coming to cover his mouth daintily as she giggled.”-xie can actually pull it off.”

“What, who?”

“That new kid, xie speaks like fifty languages, works in comms, really tall, goes by Zelo.”

“Haven’t seen ‘em. I don’t even know who you are, actually.”

“Jung Daehyun, engineering. And you are?”

“Im Jaebum, security detail. This is Yoo Youngjae, not only my best friend but a giant fucking nerd. And he thinks my hair is awesome.”

Youngjae didn’t even bother defending himself, he just deflated with a soft sigh. By this point Jaebums head was partially covered by Youngjae’s upper arm, his nose pressed hard against the skin. Daehyun laughed.

“Oh, so you guys actually like, know eachother?”

“Obviously, yes.”

“Well so-rry, but nobody else here seems to know anyone, minus the twins.”

“Wait, are you talking about the Bang twins-”

“No, she’s not, Jaebum let’s go.”

“Yeah, Yongguk is our captain and Yongnam is chief of medical.”

Jaebum striaghtened up, turning towards Youngjae with a knowing grin, with Daehyun curiously watching on.

“Damn, if only it was the other way around you would have all the one on one time with-”

“ENOUGH! Goodbye Daehyun.”

While Jaebum was stronger, Youngjae’s strength grew exponentially when he was embarrassed, and his ‘best friend’ was too busy choking on his own laughter to stop Youngjae dragging him away, one hand desperately gripping his jaw to stop him from speaking.

Daehyun’s hands again rose to curl delicately around her mouth, her high pitched voice echoing loudly through the halls.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your crush on our captain!”

“Ohmygod-” Youngjae shoved Jaebum into a wall and turned to storm off, face flaming.

His face collided with a yellow shirt, nose smushed against the person’s chest.Their hand came up to his waist and the back of his head in order to stop Youngjae from falling to the ground, and when did Youngjae close his eyes?

“I-I am so sorr-.....”

Eyes slowly opened. He choked.

Yongguk’s face was blank, eyes flicking from Daehyun’s mischievous grin, to Jaebums subdued laughter against the wall, before finally resting on Youngjae’s puffy red cheeks.

“I-I…..”

“No roughhousing in the halls.”

And then he was gone.

Youngjae stumbled, eyes flickering in all directions and cheeks flaming.

The air was heavy and silent, but youngjae wasn’t focused on that. His brain was split between plans to kill Daehyun and Jaebum, and ways he could just sink into the dirt and never speak to another living being again.

“I hate you. Both of you.”

And then he stomped away, his tormentors combined laughter echoing behind him.

 

***

 

At 18, Choi Junhong was one of the youngest people ever to make it through starfleet academy, and on top of that xie also spoke many, many languages.  This was partially as a result of growing up in a group home, surrounded by many languages, but also xie could just _understand_ people when they spoke, no matter what language. Some languages had just been icked up by binge watching a drama(or four).

Xir mutation had resulted in xir early speech being a mix of every language they had ever heard, which is presumably why xir parents had given xem up.

The caretakers at the home had always been kind, providing what they could for the children, and Junhong hadn’t been unhappy. But it wasn’t enough, a small room shared with five other kids, in a small building, in a small town. Xie had wanted to join starfleet from the first time xie had seen representatives present at xir school (minus xir small phase of wanting to be a professional skateboarder), and had managed to finish school a year early (xie had started a year earlier to begin with) and now here xie was, ready for xir first mission into space.

Xir red shirt went well with the pink of xir hair, and the soft red of xir eyeliner completed the look. Xie always had to look perfect, always had to go the extra mile just to scrape to the bottom of the rankings.  

Fingers curled and uncurled, freezing in place for a second before beginning to tap along the outside of xir thigh instead. Xir breath came a bit faster than normal, and if it hadn’t been late autumn xie would most definitely be sweating right now.

Bang Yongguk, the man who had been not only xir mentor, but xir friend, was going to be xir captain.

The two of them hadn’t really spoken since they had both brushed against the almost matching scars on their chests as they made out.

Yongguk had ran out of the room, leaving Junhong alone to see one piece of their shared past.

Xie could see that there was six of them, including xirself. And xie could see how the whole six of them fell so far apart, and how xie had desperately defended Yongguk in the final stand.

And now Yongguk refused to talk to xem.

Well, that was unacceptable.

 

***

Struggling with feelings, with secrets, wasn’t new to Yongguk. He had spent most of his life trying to prove his manhood, between split lips and hand shaped bruises encircling his wrists.

Starfleet had offered him an opportunity to hide the past away, to let himself just be a boy without ‘having been born a girl’.

He had waited a few years, waited for the testosterone to fully do it’s job before he joined up, dragging Yongnam along with him. No way was he going to go through what could be the equivalent of highschool all over again by himself.

That, and Yongguk doubted one of them would really want to go out into space without the other if they didn’t have to. They were very close, and it had always been that way.

But Yongguk hadn’t even told Yongnam about his soulmates. Junhong was one, small innocent Junhong who got xirself killed for him in another life. Youngjae too, had died, someone else cradled in his arms (to be fair, he had only Recollect his memories with Youngjae not twenty minutes ago, so there hadn’t been any time to tell Yongnam.)

Although Yongguk knew he hadn’t really been the leader in that life, he could remember trying to remove himself, to distance himself. He could remember not caring anymore. About any of them.

And he was terrified it would happen in this life as well.

Even as a child, he had always fallen back on indifference, rather than the firey anger that had consumed his twin.

So he stayed back.

If he never fell in love, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he thought about their deaths. If he never got to know them, it wouldn’t hurt when he walked past Youngjae and overhead his thoughts, about how Yongguk’s voice was nice and how his grin was charming and how much he wished he didn’t turn into a stuttering machine around him. It wouldn’t hurt so much thinking about how there was still three more people out there who he had failed, people he might not even know yet.

But maybe it would hurt more to stay away.

Yongguk didn’t want to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully you liked this!!! Comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	4. Disclosure (chapter 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> disclosure - the act or process of revealing or uncovering; something uncovered; a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n - i have been thinking abt this verse a lot bc like? I Do Not Know that much about star trek so i’m pulling it out my ass at this point and making some of it up bc guess what it’s my fic and i do what i want?  
> tw for this chap include transphobia (i guess it's probably gonna be a blanket theme for this fic but?? just in case) mentions of anxiety and also internalised transphobia  
> i also don't have a beta (obvs) and my editing skills aren't gr8 so please excuse any typos and weird sentences
> 
>  
> 
> Sidenote: i know nothing about medicine at all i only know basic first aid and even then it’s a bit :||||

“Hey!”

There was a bang on the door.

“Hey! Hey, Moon Jongup!”

More banging. 

“If you don’t open this door right now, I swear to god-”

There was a rough grunt, and then silence. 

Rubbing sleepily at their eyes, Jongup just rolled over in bed and curled into themselves tighter. 

The door slid open with a quiet hiss, followed by Daehyun’s loud crow of victory. 

“Ha, suck my dick, I got your door open. Com’on, it’s time to eat!”

“Please go away.” Jongup whined, eyes scrunching shut and fingers twisting into the bed covers to pull them tighter around their bare shoulders. 

“No. Get up, I  _ know _ you aren’t going to eat otherwise.”

Jongup just whined again, high in their throat, before pressing their face into their pillow. 

Daehyun sighed. 

“You give me no choice.”

“Wha-” The bed covers unravelled easily with a single yank, pulling Jongup out of their comfortable cocoon and onto the floor. Goosebumps made their way up and along Jongup’s exposed skin, quickly followed by a rush of pink embarrassment. 

“Com’oooonnnnn, our elusive captain will be there, I saw Yongnam forcing him into the caf before he went to bed. Quick, quick, I can’t oogle him once he’s gone.”

“Ohmygod.” With a wide yawn, Jongup slowly uncurled and reached over to grab one of the shirts that littered the floor. It was sleeveless and wrinkled, but Jongup’s eyes were still closed and their brain was still mostly off at this point. 

Daehyun just stared. 

“Well?”

“Right, right, com’on. Let’s go!” 

And she was off, speeding through the halls, dragging Jongup along by the wrist behind her.

 

*** 

 

Yongguk had actually known Daehyun for a long time, but she hadn’t approached him yet so he just let her be. She seemed to be having enough fun with Jongup anyway, judging by the fact she was currently trying to force feed them more breakfast. 

They had met when the Admiral had sat them down about their dorm arrangements. Someone had somehow found out about both of them, and wanted them ‘in the appropriate dorms’. To this day Yongguk still didn’t know who it was.

Yongguk could remember comforting a crying Daehyun, who was terrified of being forced into the men’s dorms again. She hadn’t been as confident then, her hair shorter and her smile smaller. She often wore masks.

He could also remember when she threw her arms around his neck in joy after they learned that they would both be stay where they were, and the person who had filed the complaint would be heavily disciplined. Although Daehyun had been sad, she was also a bit more desperate, a bit less composed. He was surprisingly proud of her, for growing so much in only a few years.

They had stayed friends afterwards, their shared experience making it easier to get close to each other. There was none of the anxiety that came with befriending cis people. Neither had to worry about being seen as anything other than who they were. 

Yongguk and Yongnam also would occasionally take turns escorting Daehyun around when she was having a hard time, although it wasn’t as if she couldn’t take care of herself. (Once, someone had a go at the pair of them and Yongguk could  _ hear _ their jaw break when she punched them. She had also managed to break four of her knuckles, but it had been cool at the time.)

Yet Yongguk could see a similar weariness in her, one that he could see reflected in himself. It was so exhausted having to constantly prove and validate your existence, to yourself and others. To be constantly fighting with strangers about who you were and what was important. 

They had lost contact when Yongguk went down the leadership road and Daehyun went for engineering. Literally. Yongguk had lost Daehyun’s contact when his phone was destroyed (along with his mother’s, and a lot of his cousins.)

She was still beautiful though, and just as strong-willed as he remembered. If not more.

“Moon Jongup, you will open your mouth and eat your food, or I will shove it down your throat. You too, Yongguk.”

Lost in thought, he hadn’t even realised his noodles were cooling by the second, and Daehyun was focused on him for a second. Actually focused on him, not just oogling his hard earned physique like she was prone to do. Even when their eyes met, Daehyun held firm, and Yongguk was the first to look away, returning to his food. 

 

Jongup found themselves feeling a bit put out by the fact that Daehyun and Yongguk were clearly closer than they had thought. There was also a niggling jealousy that they were both brave enough to be themselves, all the time, and Jongup could barely be their authentic self when they were alone. Doubt clouded their vision so heavily that they didn’t know what they saw when they looked in the mirror. With dark, peculiarly glistening eyes, they stood up, and stalked off towards their room.

 

***

 

Jongup continued to brush Daehyun off, for nearly a week. They would wake before she could barge in and force feed them breakfast, and meddled with the opening mechanism of their door so she couldn’t hack her way in anymore. 

 

They managed to avoid their captain too, although it wasn’t nearly as difficult. Yongguk had never really had anything to do with Jongup before they decided to start avoiding him too. 

 

Every single time they say either of them, (or god forbid, Zelo) a wave of unease would settle over them. This would be followed by a layer of anxiety, and so many ‘why are you such a coward’ and ‘they all did it why can’t you’s, and finally a crushing numbness which washed it all away. Until the tides would come back in, and Jongup found themselves crying for hours on end instead of sleeping. 

 

***

 

“Okay, for real, what is up with you huh?”

Daehyun was stomping along behind Jongup, her heels clicking against the floor with increasing frequency. She had finally caught up to them.

“Huh? You’ve got nothing to say to me? Typical man.”

“Just go away Daehyun.”

“What, so you liked me before but all of a sudden you don’t? What happened?”

“Nothing, just go-”

Jongup had spun to try and turn the corner, and Daehyun took the opportunity to grab onto their forearm. Jongup flinched away, yanking their arm back towards their chest. Daehyun recoiled, hands fluttering behind her as if to grab something, but her eyes didn’t move. She stumbled back, eyes widening, one step, two steps, and then her heel slid into a grate, the ones along the edges of the halls, and she was down and out for the count. 

“Shit, Daehyun, f-fuck.”

Hovering over her, Jongup’s hands twitched towards Daehyun, then back towards their chest, then back towards Daehyun. This cycle continued for a few minutes, before-

“Shit, c'mon Jongup, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just pick her up, you actual asshole.”

Taking a deep breath, they bent down and picked her up, without hesitation this time. One arm under her knees, one under her shoulders, and Jongup was off. 

Her head was limp, and there was definitely something wet running down their arm. They sped through empty hallways towards the medical wing, the panic growing steadily bigger in their chest the longer they took. 

Their sense of direction wasn’t great normally, but they had been out in space for nearly three weeks now and things were so much worse out here. All the hallways looked the same, and there was no sunlight to guide them towards the outside. Not that anyone was really going outside anyway.

The green strip on the wall would eventually lead them to the medical wing, but it could be a very quick trip or a long roundabout journey. For someone who built a vast majority of the ship by themselves, Jongup didn’t really know it that well. That, or panic was clouding their memory. 

There was a trail of small red dots along the floor at this point, and now Jongup was running as fast as they could. Each footstep echoed loudly in the halls, marking another second that Jongup was being too slow. 

At least it was second shift, so one of the medical staff would be up and active. Daehyun usually partially took over for the third shift, because if anything did happen she would be able to tide the person over until Yongnam or Youngjae could be awoken to deal with it properly. 

On most starfleet vessels, there were three shifts, and each one was 8 earth hours long. They had been designed originally to mimic the ‘8 hours work, 8 hours rest, 8 hours play’ that was supposed to occur in the workforce on earth, and it had worked well. Everyone worked one shift, got one for leisure, and one for sleep. Daehyun’s leisure shift coincided with Jongup’s sleep shift, and they had been heading back to their room before they were intercepted. Well, Daehyun had been stalking Jongup back towards their room. 

“Jongu- Shit, what did you do?”

“Nothing, she fell.”

“Yeah right, and I’m the pope.What tomfoolery have you two been-”

“Youngjae, j-just-”

Youngjae snorted, but upon seeing the distinct paleness of Jongup’s cheeks, stopped teasing and instead got straight to work.

“Okay, put her down on her side on this bed-” He gestured absentmindedly to one of the hospital-eske beds. “-and could you unzip the top of her shirt? Even though it’s red the blood will still stain.”

Jongup could not honestly name a time where they had seen Daehyun’s neck. She always had a zip-up turtle-neck-type-thing (Jongup wasn’t that knowledgeable in the fashion area, sue them) on, or a scarf or something. Putting her neck on display like this seemed like an invasion of her privacy. Probably not dissimilar to how Jongup felt with their sleeves rolled up at the moment. 

The silver zipper slid down with ease, and Jongup could understand why she kept it covered. 

There was what looked like a bullet-wound scar through her neck. 

Careful to avoid touching it (Jongup’s own scars were sensitive, and had kind of stung when Daehyun had grabbed them before, they didn’t want to hurt her anymore than they had), Jongup pulled the zipper down to what they assumed was a reasonable length, before turning to Youngjae. 

He just pushed past them, gloved hands pulling Daehyun’s mass of hair out of the way to dab at her head wound, and Jongup turned away. Blood made them feel sick. 

 

*** 

Finally, the gloves were off, the blood was gone, Youngjae just had to bandage up Daehyun’s head, and then when she woke up (after some quick testing) she would be free to go. Jongup was already asleep on the bed next to her, sleeves still rolled up to their elbows, curled in on themselves like a small child. 

Sometimes Youngjae forgot Jongup was barely 19. Sometimes he forgot that at present, Daehyun appeared to be Jongup’s only friend. He forgot that there was a lot of pressure on Jongup’s shoulders, being the only one capable to messing with all of the hardware on board. Daehyun dealt mostly with the programming side of things. 

Distracted, he didn’t even realise his hand resting on Daehyun’s scar until he could see everything. 

It was kind of like a movie, but all at once, and then by god did he had a splitting headache. His first Recollection was nothing like what it was made out to be in all the films. There was no cinematic play through off all the memories, no hazy rose filters and not epic romance stories. 

The memories, of the bloodshed, betrayal, and the pain, were all just  _ there _ as if they always had been. 

However it seemed that maybe not all of his soulmates had lived on without him after all. Although Youngjae couldn't tell who anyone was except for Daehyun, it seemed as though the six of them had died together. However, Youngjae didn’t remember Daehyun getting shot in the throat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully you liked this!!! Comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	5. Resentment (chapter 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> resentment - indignation or ill will stemming from a feeling of having been wronged or offended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n - ment of war, amputation and hearing loss, domestic violence, death (not in the present), misogyny, panic attacks, some other pretty yikes stuff too

There was a loud cough, and Jongup was awake, blinking rapidly as they automatically pulled their sleeves down to their wrists. 

“Wha?”

“Your work shift starts in 15 minutes, go change and get to it. Chop chop!” Yongnam made the corresponding chopping motions with his hand, before he waved Jongup away. 

Daehyun was already gone. Shit.

She was probably still mad. 

With a long sigh, Jongup rose, back cracking as they wandered back to their room to change. 

Within minutes, they were at their post, and Daehyun’s chair was just spinning to a stop. Some of her papers were littered on the space in front of her desk. 

Jongup just quietly cleaned up her work station, putting all of her files in one pile and to the side, and quietly removing all the empty ration packets they could. Hopefully she wouldn’t stay mad for long. 

 

***

 

A few hours later, when she came to pick up something she forgot, all they got for their efforts was a dirty look and a hissed “Don’t touch my shit.”

  
  
  


The clicking of her heels faded away as Jongup’s heart-beat thudded louder and louder in their ear, breath coming faster and vision blurring slightly. Why were they even surprised, it wasn’t exactly a big shock that people didn’t like them, let alone someone like Daehyun. Their own father didn’t even want to spend time with them, why would she? She was strong, and beautiful, and charming, and smart, and Jongup was an anxious wreck, who was only good at being quiet and fixing machines. 

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe Jongup’s heart was about the thud out of their chest and onto the floor.

Hands shaking, Jongup pressed their cool palms to their warm cheeks, breathing still harsh.

“Hey, Jongup, the light in my quarters isn’t-... Ohmygod are you alright? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Their head shook violently, eyes trained on their feet as one hand moved up to wave Jaebum off. 

“You don’t look fine, seriously whats wrong?”

“N-nothing.”

“Yeah and I’m the pope.”

It felt as though they were breathing through a straw. 

“Woah, hey there,okay,  do you want me to count for you, or to breathe for you to copy?”

“C-count, maybe, please-s-sorry.”

“Okay, one, two, three….”

Eyes screwed shut, Jongup focused just on Jaebum’s rough but surprisingly comforting voice, instead of the sheer humiliation running through their veins. 

“-two, three, four-”

“I’m okay now.”

“Well, I’m not gonna call you a liar, but….. You’re lying.”

There was a pause, and then Jaebum’s hands were fluttering everywhere, and his voice had gone up maybe seven octaves.

“Not thAT YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY IT’S FINE TO BE SAd or scared or anxious or angry or whatever like, everything is cool. Well, not exactly, but there is nothing wrong with you for-”

A graceless snort found it’s way out of Jongup’s mouth, but the giggles that followed were covered mostly by their hand. God, it was like a breath of fresh air. 

The red fabric defence of their sleeve crept a bit too far down their arm however, exposing the scars running down their arms. Jaebum’s eyes followed, and just by the look in his eyes Jongup could tell he reached the wrong conclusion.

“Those aren’t from this life.” They spoke quickly, hands fluttering uselessly around their face and Jaebum’s face twisted in sympathy. 

“Ahhh, okay. That’s shit. Youngjae thinks his is bad but at least people can’t assume how he died. Or really see them, since his hair is in the way. Almost everyone knows I died during birth in my last life.” The sentence trailed off into a bitter laugh, Jaebum’s palms slowly rubbing against each other. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s not like you can change it.” Jaebum’s laugh was lighter now. 

“Still, people like to make assumptions. And they’re always shitty.”

“Well, to assume is to make an ass out of you and me, so….”

Jaebum trailed off with a weak laugh in the wake of Jongup’s blank face.

“Oh… okay?”

“Don’t worry about it. Do you want to talk about-” Their shoulders were already tense, and their eyes wide, already slipping back into their previous trail of thought.

“-woah okay so, nevermind, you and I are going to get a snack.” 

 

***

 

Daehyun was still pissed the fuck off. How could it have ended like that? The five off them all died because what, Jongup was throwing a tantrum? She could recognise the eyes of her killer in the Jongup of now, could see his movements in the shyer and less confident motions of this Jongup. And it made her sick, to know that he had killed them all without remorse. Jongup hadn’t cared in their past life, and probably didn’t care now. 

Daehyun hadn’t spoken to them in a week, and it seemed as if they were joined at the hip with Jaebum, or hiding away. Sometimes they hung out with Zelo, or were forced into ‘bonding time’ with Himchan. Not that Daehyun was paying attention or anything. 

Daehyun could see the eyes of her past killer whenever she looked at Jongup. Their eyes held an innocence all the other Jongup’s Daehyun remembered lacked, but there was still echoes of the past. Of another past, another life, before their epic life of crime. 

 

***

 

_ The war was long over, and Daehyun was still waiting. While her friend  had been out there, patching up their soldiers, Daehyun stayed home, and split her time between her family’s farm and their cafe in town. Someone needed to pick up the slack once her older brother left for the battlefield.  _

_ She could still remember the two boys her play fought over her, who both nearly broke their necks trying to reach the prettiest flower to give to her, who both asked to write her letters because they had nobody else. She had told them yes, and they had both left with wide grins and a gift each. Two of her famous cupcakes, still delicious despite the recent crack down on rationing.  _

_ They had both wrote to her for two and half of their four year terms. One had written to her even after that.  _

_ Jongup had come back minus a leg and unable to hear out of one ear. He was violent, sometimes, but it was generally self inflicted. Even when he broke almost everything in their house, he hadn’t hit her. The other boy had died because Jongup had given away their position by standing on a landmine. While he had been left for dead, the other had been taken as a prisoner of war. He never came home.  _

_ Although they eventually married, mostly because it was expected, neither of them were very happy. Daehyun’s friend and her husband, Jongup’s captain, looked at the couple with such sad eyes that Daehyun could barely stand to be in the room with them. Something had broken inside Jongup, and Daehyun was ashamed to say something had broken inside her as well, but she hadn’t been broken by the trauma of war. Her heart had been broken when Jongup had come home instead of her love.  _

_ Jongup didn’t love her the way he was supposed to, the way they had been taught. He wouldn’t touch her the way her friend talked about her husband touching her, he wouldn’t even kiss her goodbye anymore. The cheeky, charming young boy who went to war came back a frigid bitter man.  _

_ Daehyun might have been able to love him if she knew he could love her back, but Jongup just wasn’t the type. It wasn’t a deficit, and he wasn’t a bad husband, but Daehyun was stifled.  _

_ She couldn’t stay anymore, she couldn’t live a lie with a man she didn’t love, a man who didn’t love her the way she wanted him too.  _

_ When she had eventually confessed, Jongup had simply grunted that he already knew and asked if she could pass the newspaper.  _

_ With some help from her friend, and her parents, and even from Jongup himself, Daehyun saved enough to leave. Life was hard a divorced woman, earning a wage much lower than she had during the war without anything else to supplement it, but it was enough. Independence was worth the gaunt cheeks and calloused hands. Another pretty boy would frequent the new cafe she worked in, and she found herself falling for the way he talked, and the way he looked at her like she was still young, like she was the most beautiful thing on this earth.  _

_ His charm and eloquence slowly faded to arrogance, but Daehyun was to smitten to notice. Even when he had hit her across the face, she had just brushed it off.  _

_ He had learnt about her past with Jongup when a man came to inform her of his death, as a result of an ‘accident’ at the hospital.  _

_ He had left her, broken and alone, just how she had left Jongup.  _

_ She had died alone in that lifetime, shaking in the cold in an alley after the not so pretty boy had left her beaten. In her last, shuddering breaths she had still blamed Jongup for her misfortune.  The shakes still stayed with her, along with a burning hatred of an empty stomach and cold, aching joints. In the life following the cold had been enemy number one. At least, until Jongup.  _

 

***

  
Not all of their lives had come back to her yet, but she didn’t doubt there would be more. Some people would only remember one, but when there were multiple people in a bond they often remembered more lives. But so far Jongup had always managed to make her miserable in every life, and there was little doubt in her mind that it would happen again. If she just stayed away from them until the mission was over everything would be fine. Hopefully. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is pretty short but i hope you like it? I've actually decided on a plot and written it out and stuff so soon the story will actually start moving in A Vague Direction lmao~~ Comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	6. divulgence (chapter 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> divulgence - to make known (something private or secret).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm so tw for human trafficking ment, cw for coming out? i guess?? this is a Nicer Chapter i think  
> i have limited spoons (energy) atm because school just started so I Am Dying but it's fine

“-as stated in the ship’s directive, nobody is authorised to interact with any part of the trafficking ring, other than what is necessary to observe and collect data.”

Zelo had stopped paying attention halfway through the briefing, eyes instead lingering on the rather attractive new hair cut the ship’s captain was sporting.

His hair was black, _really_ soft looking and very short on the sides. It was a little bit longer on the top, although still probably not even two fingers high.

“-right, Zelo?”

“Wh-Pardon?” Shit, shit, fuck.

“You seemed like you were so focussed, so you would be able to give a summary of the meeting to Jongup, right?” He gestured over to a sleepy-eyed Jongup, who’s uniform still managed to have wrinkles in their ‘no need to iron’ shirt. They had just entered the briefing room. Zelo was pretty sure they hadn’t even eaten yet.

“Of course.” Fuck, xie was in deep shit.

“Great!” Yongguk clapped his hands together with a grin, and Junhong’s heart sunk into xir stomach. “I’ll catch up with both of you later to give you your individual mission directives. Dismissed.”

With a nod, Zelo caught Jongup’s arm and tugged them out towards one of the other meeting rooms, one xie knew had access to the cameras in every room of the ship (minus the bathing facilities and private rooms of course. The Admiral was pretty big on security). The head of engineering would be able to get access to the tapes, right?

 

***

 

“How did you manage to become head of engineering if you can’t even hack your own ship?”

“I literally just woke up, and I’m a bit out of practice. Daehyun handles most of the software issues on board.”

“Well, you better wake up quick, or get Daehyun in-”

“No! It’s fine, just give me a few more minutes.”

“What do you have against her?”

“Me? Nothing? Daehyun’s…. Great.”

“Oh yeah, sounds real convincing.”

“She’s been avoiding me, it’s not my fault, I don’t even know-”

“It shouldn’t matter, you should just give a blanket apology.”

“I’m not apologising if I haven’t even done anything wrong.”

“Daehyun’s not like that.”

“Well, apparently I don’t know her very well at all.”

“Well-”

“It’s done. The video will be transferring to your tablet right now, I’ll watch them in the morning before I go to work.”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

Jongup turned away, flicking their hands at Junhong before turning back to the terminal in an almost dismissive gesture. Something still bothered Junhong though.

“How did you manage to wrinkle your shirt? They are made of like, anti-wrinkle fabric. It’s nearly impossible.”

“I’m good at the impossible, apparently.”

“Also, did you know that our uniforms are all made of anti-static fabric as well? Otherwise we, well, really just you or Daehyun, could accidentally fuck up the whole ship with a little bit of static electricity.”

“Had no idea.”

“Really? That’s-”

“I was joking.”

“....oh.”

“Yeah.” They stood, the terminal screen fading to black as they rested all their weight on their right foot. All of a sudden, their cheekbones glinted in the light and Junhong saw the perfect opportunity to get closer to Jongup and investigate a certain feeling xie had.

“You need anything else?”

“Actually yes. Did you know you have amazing cheekbones? That would be almost perfect to test highlight and stuff on?”

“What?”

“Can you pleeeeease be my test model? It’s hard to test looks on myself and it’s more fun when you do makeup with someone else!”

“You’re asking me to be a test subject for makeup?”

“Yes!”

“I-I uh…..” They fidgeted, and Junhong knew they were convinced.

“Okay! I’ll let you know about times and stuff. Don’t worry, I promise to keep this just between us. We have so much more time on our hands now that we’ve docked on Mercurine, and their cosmetics are amazing, holy shit. Please?”

“Alright.”

Content, Zelo flounced away. Jongup trailed them to the door, but set off in the opposite direction, towards their rooms in order to go back to bed. This was an opportunity to learn from Zelo, someone who was like them, (but also a lot unlike them) who could show them things and maybe even would believe them if they spoke up. Maybe they would even be friends.

 

Or maybe it would crash and burn in a pile of ash and smoke, like every other time Jongup tried to make friends. Having to hide such a vital part of yourself, to have to constantly lie to someone made long-term relationships, in any form, nearly impossible.

 

Maybe this time it would be different.

 

***

 

“Jongup, why is there glitter on your face? And is that…. eyeliner?”

Himchan was like a nagging mother. Daehyun’s arms remained crossed and their gaze directed firmly away from The Betrayer (although that didn’t mean she wasn’t sneaking glances of Jongup’s reflection. Those cheekbones were amazing no matter how angry she was.)

“What?”

A sweater paw rose to Jongup’s eye a soft, smooth grey, and fell a mottled black mess.

“Oh. I uh…. Zelo was tryin’ stuff on me.” They sniffed, swallowing harshly as they rubbed at their eyes again.

“Oh okay. It looks good-” There was a pause, and Himchan took stock of the highlight blended with black eyeliner.”-or at least it did. You should probably wash it off.”

“Can’t. Zelo wanted to test um….. Some spray holdy stuff.”

“Some spray holdy stuff? Moon Jongup, you have designed and built almost entire starships and you couldn’t think of a better word for setting spray? I am astounded.”

Jongup just grunted and started to walk again, ignoring Himchan’s attempts to get their attention.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you checking Jongup out in the reflection either Daehyun.”

Suddenly, there was a finger in Daehyun’s face and she was stepping back quickly, hand coming up in a reflexive block before batting Himchan’s arm away.

“What’s your problem anyway?”

“What’s yours? Why are you getting in my business like this?”

“Because, the other day, you nearly refused help to fix some of the air support systems on the ship from Jongup. I’m too handsome to go blue and die in the middle of space.”

“Look, we’re going through a rough patch but I have been nothing but professio-”

“If you dare say you’ve been professional I’m going to scream.”

“-nal.”

“Ohmygod. Daehyun, you’re acting like a child. What’s this all about huh? You can’t just keep it all bottled up inside-”

“-yeS I CAN! I can do whatever-”

“-or I’m going to tell Yongguk and he can pry it from your bitter little brain.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“When you’re putting us all at risk the way you have been, he will.”

The sigh that was pulled from Daehyun’s throat could not have been more reluctant.

“Fine. Come with me, you never know who’s looking at the cameras.”

 

***

 

“I touched Jongup’s scars, you know the ones on his wrist? And I saw him kill me, in our last life. He shot me in the throat, and everyone else was dead but he had this vest on and he wasn’t and he killed me! Every time I see him that’s all I can see, that glint in his eye as he shot me, his soulmate, in the throat while the rest of them lay dead around us.”

Daehyun’s cheeks were flushed, hands fisting tightly in the sheets of her bed. Himchan sat at her desk, and had been spinning back and forth on her chair.

“Well, that wasn’t what I expected at all. But you know you can’t blame Jongup for how he was in his previous life right? What happened was shit, but this Jongup wouldn’t do that.”

“How do I know? I mean, you can’t be that different in your next life can you? His dad is known for being cold, and for his kill count. What’s to say Jongup isn’t just like him?”

 

***

 

“J-Junhong?”

“Yeah?” Junhong was currently removing all of Jongup’s makeup, so Jongup’s eyes were closed. This would be easier if they couldn’t see, and then over analyse, Junhong’s reaction.

“I-I uh… I think I’m like you? Like, how you…. Aren’t a girloraboyoranything.”

“Pardon?” There was hint of laughter in Junhong’s voice, and Jongup was halfway to standing up, ready to bolt.

“Nevermin-”

“No, Jongup-” Junhong had latched onto their wrist, where their sleeve had ridden up, pulling them back into the room.

Junhong’s eyes widened, in a way so eerily reminiscent of Daehyun Jongup just froze.

Time stopped, for a few minutes anyway. Maybe it was just a few seconds.

“J-Junhong?”

“Right, sorry. I believe you. I’m sorry that I laughed, that was really cruel I just… I kind of already got that vibe from you, you know? I didn’t want to bring it up first though.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I think you’re a bit more sure about this that you said, right?”

“Yeh. I don’t…. I know, I don’t think I’m-”

“-Hey, it’s okay, don’t worry, I get it. What are your pronouns? Do you want me to use a different name or anything?”

“Nah, Jongup is good. My pronouns are they/them though.”

“Nice! That’s good for you! I also have something to tell you, actually-”

 

***

 

“Don’t speak nonsense, Jongup is a sweetheart. He’s so lovely, honestly. I don’t know how you could even think he’s a killer.”

“Uh, well, you see, he kinda murdered me in a past life, no biggie. I think in another one he might have hurt me too, but I can only remember a little bit of that one.”

“Oooh, how many soulmates do you have?”

“Six, I think. Including me.”

“Jesus, that’s a lot.”

“Yeah I guess it is. My cousin Baekhyun has 12 though, so it’s not really that many.”

“Twelve, holy shit how do they manage?”

“It took them all a long time to get together, and a lot of talking about feelings and shit.” She gestured vaguely at the air, shrugging.

“Oh okay. So do you think you know who your other soulmates are?”

“No idea.”

 

***

“U-Uhm… okay?”

“We’re soulmates.”

“What?”

“I just…. I remember our last life. I remembered it just now, when I grabbed your wrist.”

“Oh, right, yes, you just touched my scars.”

“Yeah. You wanna touch mine?”

“I guess so? If t-that’s okay maybe?”

“Yeah, of course! Let me just-” Xir shirt was on the floor and Jongup was standing there with their hands covering their eyes, red climbing up their cheeks.

“Oh, sorry, I forget that people aren’t as comfortable as me sometimes. My scars are on my chest, I was shot.”

Slowly Jongup’s left hand made it’s way towards Zelo’s chest, their eyes peeking through a slit in between their fingers. A hand brushed against Zelo’s scars, and then both hands fell to Jongup’s sides.

Then they were pressed against the floor as Jongup scrabbled away, pushing themselves roughly out of the room with the door frame. Zelo heard them slam their way down the hall.

Zelo still didn’t know how Jongup had ended up with those scars, if they had been shot in the chest.

 

***

“-” A loud thud against the wall halted whatever Daehyun was about to say.

“What the fuck was that?”

Daehyun was out the door fast enough to see Jongup speed by, Zelo weakly trailing after them, panting heavily. Xie came to a stop out the front of Daehyun’s door.

“Jongup’s my soulmate!” Xie chimed between breaths, before xir lips twisted into a grimace. “But whatever they remembered just scared them off.”

“Ohmy-”

“Himchan you better shut the fuck up right now or else-”

“-you have nothing on me Jung.”

There was a pause, in which another thud rattled through the ship, followed by a hollow cry and heavy footsteps.

The trio stood in Daehyun’s doorway until the sounds faded. Then, Daehyun exhaled loudly.

“Jongup kill me in his past life, that’s what he just remembered and he has the audacity to be upset-”

“What the fuck, how do you even-..... Ohmygod.”

Silence.

Both Daehyun and Junhong started to speak, and then they both stopped, waiting for the other to start. They ended up starting at the same time again, and stopping.

“Okay, I think we might need to take this to our captain.”

“What?” Daehyun and Junhong cried, still in sync.

“This is really serious okay, and Yongguk is really good at sorting out other people’s shit. Y’all have a lot of shit that needs sorting.”

 

****

 

“Wait, before we go in, can we exchange recollections?”

“What?”

“Daehyun, please? Don’t you want to remember? Maybe if you know more you might be able to give more context to Jongup’s actions. Plus, I’m a curious piece of shit, so….”

“.......Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway so who's ready for some Drama(tm) (me) ( i am)  
> as always comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	7. tempest (chapter 6)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tempest - a violent windstorm, frequently accompanied by rain, snow, or hail; Furious agitation, commotion, or tumult; an uproar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a giant huge massive tw for suicide, suicide attempts, and suicidal thinking, as well as alcohol, a lowkey reference to conversion therapy  
> this one is a bit short but there is Plenty Of Drama I Guess so yeah i hope you like it!!

Sometimes the voices of other people in his head grew so loud that Yongguk could only stand it when he was drinking. It wasn’t the most healthy of mechanisms, but it meant that people’s voices just drifted through his head as if they were having a conversation, rather than having someone talking loudly directly into his brain. There had been many a time where Yongguk had gotten confused between what someone had actually said and what they had thought, and so he spent most of his "drinking time" alone.

Recently, he hadn’t allowed himself a night to drink, but tonight, of all nights, was the night he had chosen. All his work had been completed early, the alcohol purchased and Himchan had been left in charge. Everything was supposed to be sweet. Yongguk would drink, finally have a clear head, and then pass out and wake up to regret.

 

“So, basically, you’re saying that not only have we all being misgendering Jongup this whole time, but one Jung Daehyun has been treating them terribly because in a past life Jongup shot them in the throat? Jongup, as in, cleans the whole kitchen even when it’s not their turn because they are very nice Jongup?”

Yongguk might have been a little bit drunk when Daehyun, Junhong and Himchan had knocked on his door, but oh boy was he going to be significantly drunker once they all left. This was shitty space novel drama right here. Even if he couldn’t have a good time, he was definitely going to pass out and regret this in the morning.

Captains were allowed to let go too, right?

“Whoever said anything about misgendering Jongup?”

However, today may not have been the ideal day to let go.

“Didn’t Junhong just say that they came out to him, not twenty minutes ago?”

“What?”

Four sets of eyes turned to see a red-eyed Jongup, hands shaking by their sides. The door had slid open earlier with a hiss, but only now did Yongguk register the shaking voice as real, not an intruding through drifting through his head. Jongup had suspiciously quiet thoughts.

“You told him? Oh wait, you told everyone! I trusted you! I have never ever in my life come out to anyone because I was so scared this would happen and look! It did! My anxiety was fucking right!”

Not only was this possibly the most Yongguk had ever heard Jongup say without pause, but it was also the first time they had sworn in front of Yongguk.

“I cannot believe you, you go on about understanding how I feel, but you obviously don’t get it! My dad is going to kill me when he finds out, which he is going to, because he’s a mind reader like our dear Captain here. Not only will I be the bastard child who has only one, shitty little power, instead of five or six higher class ones, but I’m also going to be the weak, sissy failure of a child and he’s going to know all about it, and he’s going to hate me more than he already does! I’m literally only here because of him, all of my opportunities have come from people wanting to impress him and I am fucked when he disowns me. I can’t believe you would do this to me, I can’t believe I ever thought I could trust you! Just because your fucking family loves you and accepts you and you can actually talk to them doesn’t me we all can, Zelo.”

Shaking their head, they spun on their heel and sped out. Their posture was straight, crisp with the power of their anger which was radiating off them in waves.

“Well, that was an actual disaster.” Himchan chimed, trying to break the tension. Zelo stepped up, and woah boy was the tension back in full force.

“I never even said anything, how the fuck did you know?”

Zelo’s face was dark, and xie hovered almost menacing above xir captain.

“I’m drunk.”

“That is not an explanation.”

“I’m also a mind reader, and I told Himchan to keep everyone away from me for just one night. Just one.”

“Ohmyfuckinggod? You’ve been spying on my thoughts, what the fuck is wrong with you-”

“Calm down, this hasn’t happened before. I haven’t drunk since I’ve been on board, scout's honour. You’re safe from the creepy mind-reading freak, don’t worry.”

There was a long silence. Daehyun winced in sympathy.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry, if it helps.” Yongguk shrugged, eyes awkwardly darting to anywhere other than Zelo. “Once I’ve slept this off and Jongup’s had time to cool down I’ll go tell them that I’m not going to tell their dad and that you didn’t tell me anything, okay?”

“Alright. I’m sorry for yelling too.”

“Apology accepted.”

“Well, that was cute and all, but I think someone should go check on Jongup.”

“Where the fuck did you come from Youngjae?”

Yongguk’s flinch was delayed, about four or five seconds behind everyone else's. Perhaps he was a bit too drunk for this.

“You guys haven’t exactly been quiet, and gossip never sleeps. Anyway, if Jongup killed Daehyun, and wasn’t shot like the rest of us, how do you think he-...they got those scars? Certainly not from anybody else.”

“Shit, okay, I’m doing it.”

“What?”

“I am the least implicated in this, and no offense Youngjae but I am closer to Jongup. I’m going to go check on them, because this whole affair has been a fucking train wreck.”

 

***

 

Everything hurt. The tears that were squeezing their way out of their eyes did nothing to soothe the agony. Their breath was ragged, wet and loud in between the pounding of their heart in their ears. Everything was just too much, all at once. Their father was going to find out, find out about something that Jongup had desperately been hiding for _years_. So many times, they had bitten their tongue, held everything in and now, despite their best efforts it would all come to light anyway. Everything that they had suffered for was going to come crashing down, and they deserved it.

It had been them who must have killed Daehyun. Jongup couldn’t remember her face, but it made sense. As slow as everyone thought they were, they weren’t ignorant.

She had the scar in exactly the right spot and had stopped talking to them once she had touched their scars. It all made sense. After all, who would want to friends with a murderer?

The worst part was that all they could see was the blood dripping down their arms, between and along their fingers and into the bathwater as they had died. The turbulent state of their emotions, the boiling anger and betrayal and the deep, cold chasm of abject misery was eerily reminiscent of that time. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be.  

They had been a murderer, a violent criminal who had killed all of their soulmates, and so, _so_ many others and yet Jongup could only find it within themselves to pity their past self. Imagine feeling like this, this wretched heartache so much that you decide that everyone else must suffer with you. What kind of callousness would be required to be able to do that? To be able to take life so easily? Not only that of others but also your own? Is that what kind of person had they been? Who’s the say they wouldn’t be like that again in this life?

 

They could feel the blood throbbing through their arms, calling to be let out, to be free. To mimic the past. Just a little cut, some blood and a prick of pain, and everything would be over. The pain would stop, and maybe next time things would work out okay. Maybe next time it would be different.

The final curtain dropped and Jongup raised the knife again.

 

***

Flash.

Darkness.

Flash.

 

The lights of the halls were lulling Jongup back towards the dark. They couldn’t even remember falling asleep.

“Moon Jongup, I swear to god, your punk ass better not die on me, you hear?”

It was Himchan. At least, they were pretty sure it was Himchan. One of his hands was holding Jongup’s legs, the other was simultaneously holding up their torso and squeezed tightly around their wrist, blood oozing between Himchan’s fingers and onto the ground. If they had the energy to panic, it would surely be their current state right now. But they were so, so tired. Terrified, shaking and oh so very weary. The fight against their own brain had weakened them, over the years.

The colours faded, like an old movie, and Jongup’s head rolled as if their neck as jelly. Himchan was speaking, they could feel the movement of his chest. Everything sounded like static.

And then there was silence again.

 

***

“How could you let this happen, Captain Bang?”

“Admiral, if you just-”

“Silence. I left my precious heir in your hands and this is what happens? You are all grounded, on Mercurine until further notice. Jongup will be taken somewhere that can fix all of this.” The Admiral waved a hand dismissively, and Junhong was already up and lunging for the Admiral.

“You can’t just do that to them! You can’t just put them away somewhere and expect all these feelings to go away, you-”

“You are a child, and you cannot tell me how I can or cannot parent. Do not forget your place, Choi Junhong. You of all people should not be so quick to judge.”

And then he was gone.

By the time the sun had risen on the arid desert planet, Jongup was gone too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually!! I'm in my final year of hs right now so I'm super busy with school ahhhhhhh  
> 


	8. return (chapter 7)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> return - to go or come back, as to an earlier condition or place; to revert in speech, thought, or practice:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh it's been ages but i'm back this isn't abandoned i just Have Depression so ya kno life is kinda rough - i'm struggling to resist the urge to go back thru and edit what i've already posted (typos!!! like 2038494 continuity errors lmao ah) but if i start that i'll never finish actually writing so!!! i'll try to be better!!! (also sorry the spaccing is Fucking Weird idk what happened)  
> tw for conversion therapy ment, drinking/drunkenness

The rest of the crew was left on Mercurine ‘for repairs’ until an engineer could come to replace Jongup. Everyone knew it was really just punishment, for fucking up so badly. Despite Zelo’s badgering, no one would report on Jongup’s condition, and so they were all left in the dark.

***

Daehyun had been alienated by everyone, all because of one Moon Jongup.

Presumably, everyone blamed her for what happened. It wasn’t exactly an unfair assumption, but Daehyun still felt wronged. Why should she feel the burden of this, when she didn’t even care about Jongup really? Pssh, Jongup, they had barely even been friends (So what if she cared, sue her for being a decent human being.) Why did she have to share in the heavy guilt that had curled itself around the crew, down their throats into their lungs and forcing them into silence.

Initially, days would go by without any of them talking to each other.

  
The silence was suffocating, looping tightly around Daehyun’s neck and refusing to let her go. Worst of all, she wasn’t even allowed a breath of fresh air. All the other crew members had some sort of external job.

  
Daehyun was stuck with maintenance and the stale filtered air. At any moment, the filters could break and she would be dead before anyone realised. Nobody was ever really at home but her.

  
A few days after Jongup had been taken, Daehyun had attempted to leave, in directly contradicting her orders. Orders that had come from the Admiral himself. After she had been found, snacking on street food and trying to chat up a local, her lock codes were changed and she was no longer had the status to leave the ship. Of course, she could change the codes back herself, but not even she wasn’t a glutton for punishment. Sulking and stewing was more her style.

  
She was left to ‘watch the ship’ while everyone else worked, on planet, going through the same sections of code over and over until they were burnt into her retinas. She almost lazily worked her way through updates, new sections of code and a few side projects (including a temperature regulator for the shower based on the temperature of the occupant, which she was pretty proud of.) (Only Himchan really appreciated her greatness.)

  
Mercurine was home to one of the largest intergalactic trafficking rings (at least, they were pretty sure it was) and Daehyun was itching to be out there in the action. Those were her people, out there, being taken from their homes and families and being treated like animals.

  
“Engineer Jung, please report to medical.”

  
She bristled. Curling and uncurling her hands she rose from her chair and strode out the door.

  
***

 

Yongguk hadn’t been doing so well.

  
Sleep had always been elusive, but with the structured emptiness of space he was able to form a routine, and sleep well enough.

  
Not even a week on the ground and it was destroyed. Obliterated. Daehyun’s constant moping (and the ‘routine servicing’ that occurred loudly by his quarters at night) did not help.  
The door opened, and Daehyun strode in.

  
“My bedroom light won’t turn off.”

  
“I don’t do hardware.”

  
“You’re an engineer, and you can’t fix a light bulb?”

  
“If it’s that easy, why don’t you do it?”

  
“Daehyun-”

  
“Don’t you ‘Daehyun’ me. You have been ignoring me since we boarded, pretending like nothing happened between us. Pretending like we aren’t soulmates.”

  
“We aren’t-”

“We aren’t soulmates? Seriously? I didn’t even need to touch your scars to know, I saw your reaction when you touched mine.”

“No, Daehyun-”

“What, do you think I’m not good enough? I, Jung Daehyun, a mere peasant against the king himself, Bang Yongguk?” She spat, stepping closer.

“You think you’re so much better than me? That’s such bullshit-”

“Enough! That is not it.”

“Then what is it huh? Don’t give me all that ‘it’s not you it’s me’ bullshit.”

“In….. in our last life, I knew. What was going to happen to you. I figured it out, I figured out that we were all going to die and who was responsible and I let everyone walk into that trap anyway.”

Silence.

“I’m not someone you want for a soulmate Daehyun.”

Taking a moment, Daehyun frowned shakily up at Yongguk. Her eyes narrowed further, defiant.

“You can’t tell me who I can or can’t want.”

“I can tell you that I’m no good.”

“I don’t have to listen. I’ll get that bulb for you.”

  
She walked out, and Yongguk couldn’t help but call out to her again.

  
“Why do you seem so mad at Jongup, but not at all mad at me?”

  
Daehyun paused, hand resting on the door frame. One foot inside, one foot out in the hallway.

  
“I know you. I know you wouldn’t do that now, as much as you claim you’re a shit person. You aren’t, by the way.  
Jongup though, I can still see that venom, that steel in their eyes. And it terrifies me, because then I remember that I don’t know them, not really.”

 

***

  
Jaebum was an occasionally aggressive drunk. Mostly he just glared at people before passing out, but tonight he appeared calmer. Still enraged, but he acted like a cat that got the crean. Youngjae could still feel the thrum of tension in the air.

  
“God, Daehyun is gonna be sooooo jealous when I come back smashed.”

“I’m not sure that’s exactly how it’ll go, but okay Jaebum. Why are you still mad at her, this isn’t her fault.”

“Me? Mad that she hates one of my friends for something they didn’t even technically do? I would never. And yes, it is her fault. If she was capable of communication and decency none of this would have happened.”

  
Youngjae glared, and roughly knocked his shoulder against Jaebum’s. Jaebum just frowned, and shoved Youngjae right back. The duo nearly stumbled off the footpath, and after righting themselves nobody tried to push anyone.

  
“You can’t see it from her perspective though? Imagine if you found out that one of your soulmates had killed all you in your last life?”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t care. Nobody is the same as they were in their past life, and Jongup is such a sweetheart, I don’t know how she can think badly of h-them. They actually trailed after her like a puppy, and she just went and cast them aside?”

  
Jaebum shook his head, hair flying everywhere before he flicked it back into place.

  
“Her pride is the only thing keeping this act going, and it’s just so….. Reminiscent of myself I can’t stand it. God I hate people who remind of myself, isn’t that weird?”

  
Youngjae just grunted, eyes rolling.

  
“Well you’re really fucking annoying so it’s not that surprising.”

“What?! Me? Annoying? How dare you, I’ll have you know-” Whatever Youngjae was meant to know was cut off by Jaebum’s plunge towards the bushes alongside the path.

  
Youngjae couldn’t stop laughing, his high-pitched drunken giggling echoed by a whine of pain from Jaebum. Abruptly, it was cut off when someone grabbed his arm and pulled him up and out of the bushes.

 

“I feel like this behaviour is a bit inappropriate for a representative of Starfleet. Maybe you should tone it down.”

  
There stood Jongup, and both Jaebum and Youngjae were frozen into silence. Youngjae took longer than normal to be able to determine if Jongup was joking or not.

  
“Heeyyy, you’re back!” Jaebum wobbled from his unsteady standing position to smush his face awkwardly into Jongup’s shoulder, arms looping around them like an octopus. “I was worried… about you, are you okay?” At the beginning, the words came out slowly, with visible effort, before falling out of Jaebum’s mouth like a waterfall.

  
“Mostly. Ready to go back to work, finally.”

  
Jaebum nodded, eyes opening and closing slowly, unsteady on his feet. He walked like a newborn calf, the last few shots they had taken before leaving the bar making themselves known.

  
“How about I give you a piggy back to the ship?”

“Nah I’m fine-” Jaebum attempted to detach himself from Jongup but ended up back on the floor.

“Okay… Maybe a little bit until I sober up?”

 

***

 

“How is everyone?”

  
The silence had lingered once Jaebum’s drunken mumbles stopped and his snoring began, growing more and more awkward the longer they walked.

  
“Okay, I guess. Zelo has been out buying make up almost every day, and Himchan has been more than happy to accompany them to the shopping district every now and then. Yongguk hasn’t been too great, but not necessarily bad, I don’t think. Yongnam keeps teasing Daehyun, who isn’t allowed out of the ship at all, and Jaebum has been alternating between getting smashed and being hungover.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah-” Youngjae fidgeted, fingers twirling around each other.

“I’m uh…. Sorry for what I did.”

  
Youngjae nearly tripped over his surprise.

  
“You’re- what? You don’t need to be sorry, it’s not-.... Please don’t apologise.”

“No, I…. I didn’t think things through and I didn’t give anyone a chance to explain or anything. Plus, my dad has basically exiled you all out here so….. Yeah.”

  
Jongup smiled, a happy little triangle, and a bell rang inside Youngjae’s head.

  
They were soulmates.

  
Youngjae had almost forgotten, in the haze of it all.

  
Jongup didn’t say anything else though, so Youngjae just nodded and focussed his eyes forwards, brow furrowed.

 

***

  
The sigh was long and drawn out, and Jongup was pouting. Moon Jongup, who, now that Youngjae could see in the light, was fit as fuck and their very nice arms were on clear display while they were a sleeveless hoodie.

  
“Are you telling me Daehyun did not even touch the filter? At all?”

“I think so?” Youngjae shrugged, “I’m not exactly an engineer and she has been avoiding all of us recently so I don’t know.”

“Okay thanks. I’m gonna…. Have a go I guess.”

“Are you going to talk to her?”

  
For the first time since their return Jongup looked somewhat uncomfortable.

  
“Probably not.”

“Why? She deserves to hear from you, whatever you have to say.”

“I don’t have anything to say to her. She hates me, and that’s all there is too it.”

“Don’t you care about her though?”

“Of course, she is-.... Was pretty much my first friend here. And she’s great. But I’m not gonna force her to hangout with someone she doesn’t like.”

“But if you just explain maybe she’ll-”

“Explain what? That I’m pretty sure I killed her, and indirectly the rest of my soulmates and then killed myself? And then tried to do it again in this life too? Minus the murdering everyone else part. She wouldn’t care.”

“If she didn’t care about you she wouldn’t be mad.”

  
Jongup didn’t reply, instead pulling out something disgusting and visible full of gunk. The filter, presumably.

  
“Please just leave it. It took a lot of work to be able to function like I am right now, and I’m not going to risk another relapse because of her.”

  
Youngjae nodded, slightly taken aback by the cold honesty. Although, that was how Jongup seemed to be now. Gone was the shaking small child, and now stood a cool, level headed, but still quiet adult.

 

Youngjae didn’t know how he felt.

 

***

  
Zelo wouldn’t admit it, but xie had been avoiding Jongup since their return. Mostly because xie felt terrible, but also because xie still held a deep seated fear that Jongup’s dad had forced them into conversion therapy, or something similar. Xie wasn’t sure if xie could deal with a Jongup who had been through xir worst nightmare.

  
Which is why, in the middle of xir leisure (and Jongup’s sleep) shift, xie assumed it would be safe to use the kitchen to make a snack. Xie was halfway through instant noodles when Jongup suddenly appeared in front of the replicator, the quiet hum of the machine disturbing the otherwise peaceful silence. Xie wasn’t sure when they arrived, but after nearly spilling xir food in fright it was clear they were both aware that there was two people in the kitchen.

  
The silence grew more and more tense. Jongup’s shoulders were lax, and they stretched as they yawned before leaning against the counter, a muffin in hand. They made eye contact with Zelo, and nodded.

  
Zelo felt the blood rise to xir cheeks as xir eyes trailed along the curves of Jongup’s biceps.

  
“H-Hey, long time no see.” Xie joked weakly, eyes trained on the floor.

“Yeah. Nearly a year I think?”

“Yeah. I uh…. I just wanted to say that I didn’t out you to the captain, I promise-” The words were tripping over themselves to get out of xir mouth, speed increasing the more xie spoke.”- he just read my mind because he was drunk, you can go ask him to confirm if you want, I swear I would never do that to-”

“Zelo, stop.” Jongup was laughing, face lit up by a very attractive grin. “It’s okay, Youngjae already explained. I know you didn’t do anything, I’m sorry I reacted how I did.”

“How do you uh-.. How do you feel now? In general, but also about all that stuff?”

“Better. My meds help a lot with-” They made a vague swirling gesture towards their head, “-and I went to this camp which helped a lot with all the gender stuff. You would’ve liked it, I think.”

  
The horror must have shown on Zelo’s face, because Jongup was laughing again.

  
“No, it wasn’t like, a conversion camp or anything. It was specifically for non-binary people, and everyone there was super nice. It was really comforting to see uh…. Adults, I guess? Older people like me.”

“Oh thank god.” They were both laughing now, and Zelo’s noodles were almost definitely going be too soggy. “That’s really good, I’m really happy for you. You dad must be pretty good then?”

“Yeah, we had a big talk and I cried, which was a bit ehh, but it worked out in the end.”

“You know, I’m really proud of you.”

“Thank you, I guess. Me too.”

  
There was more laughter, and then the door to the cafeteria opened.

  
“Hey Zelo, are you baking again what smells so….. Good.”

  
Daehyun slowed to a halt, and the laughing ceased immediately. Jongup looked intensely uncomfortable.

  
“I didn’t know you were back.”

  
Jongup swallowed, eyes on the lines of the linoleum floor as they nodded.

  
“What, you aren’t even going to say anything? Do you know how worried everyone was? Do you know that Himchan has been having nightmares almost every night and Yongguk is drunk every other day-”

“Daehyun, I think that’s enough.”

“No! It’s not enough, stay out of this Zelo. Everyone has been stuck here and I have been stuck inside for nearly a whole year and you have nothing to say? To me? To anyone? You’re a selfish prick-”

“Daehyun-”

“Shut up Zelo!” She snapped, stepping forward aggressively. Suddenly Jongup was there, in between them both.

  
“Daehyun, leave Zelo alone. There is nothing productive I can say, so what’s the point? Just leave it.”

  
Daehyun opened her mouth to speak, and was interrupted by Jongup’s raised hand. It came a bit too close to her face and she flinched. The slight softness which had invaded Jongup’s face during their conversation with Zelo had disappeared, mouth twisted into a harsh line. They stepped back, and strode out.

  
Daehyun floundered.

  
“You know, you should figure out how you feel before you try and confront them like that.” Zelo spoke quietly, xir tall body pressed in on itself and against the counter.

  
“I-.... You’re right. Sorry, Zelo.” Daehyun nodded, before spinning on her heel and following Jongup out the door.

  
Xir noodles had pretty much turned to porridge at this point, so they were poured down the sink. Too mushy, with no substance.

Xie would just have to try again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is like 2930820% welcome!!! I have no idea when I'll update this again or what's happening but!!!! it'll happen eventually!!!


	9. moratorium (chapter 8)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> moratorium - a legally authorized period of delay in the performance of a legal obligation or the payment of a debt: a waiting period set by an authority: a suspension of activity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for really grotty transphobia, ment of therapy and missing persons,  
> whoo i actually updated!!!!!! i'm still Suffering A Lot but you know what who even cares about school? amirite? i am also loving these teeny bit related but mostly just pretentious af chapter names lmao.  
> please enjoy!

Having Jongup back on board was a huge relief, to say the least. In just under a week, they had managed to patch up the thrusters that would actually allow them to take-off again (during the chaos of Jongup’s injury the ship may or may not have drifted off course into an asteroid. Youngjae had had nothing to do with it, honest.) (“Why were you even in the navigation sector?” “I had to use the comms to contact the closest ship with better medical facilities, I must have leant on something.” “You must have leant on something? Youngjae, we ended up in the middle of an asteroid belt.” “Accidents happen!”)

They had also managed to slowly patch their relationships with most of the other staff. Most. Zelo still hadn’t spoken to them since the kitchen incident, and Daehyun would always stomp out as they entered.

And Yongguk, their captain, still froze in panic at the thought of confronting them. He listened specifically for their thoughts and twisted through hallways to avoid them. Himchan’s help was enlisted to deal with communications between the captain and head of engineering (to which he acquiesced to with an eyeroll.) and Yongguk had managed to put off interacting with them since they returned.

Not only did Yongguk need to apologise for essentially outing them to the entire crew, but also he found he was unable to keep his eyes away from their arms, and occasionally the sides of their chest when they wore one of those open cut singlets.

They were barely 20 now, Yongguk was going on 26. Yongguk’s behaviour was unprofessional, at the very least. And Jongup was still delicate.

In the interest of their own safety, Yongguk had been briefed in Jongup’s current condition and mental health status. They were stable, but very importantly still in recovery. The mission was being delayed for another six months, to allow them to reintegrate into the crew and to further assist in their recovery.

Despite never actually speaking, Jongup was still present at the weekly crew meetings and Yongguk could see, just from how they stood, shoulders out and back straight, that things were getting better for them. They still had very suspiciously quiet thoughts, but their father was also a telepath so they probably had plenty of experience. How they had managed to keep things a secret for so long while living with a telepath was a mystery.

But right now, Yongguk was faced with a dilemma. He had managed to break the washing machines, and water was flooding the laundry. Both Himchan and Yongnam were out shopping with Zelo, and Youngjae was off with Daehyun and Jaebum playing cards instead of doing their jobs. Now that they were on land everyone had leisure shifts at the same time.

“Engineer Moon, please report to the laundry sector.”

He could already feel the laughter of the rest of the crew. The great captain, Bang Yongguk, unable to wash his own laundry. The scandal. Yongguk’s skin was still flushed pink when Jongup arrived, in a dark green open cut singlet and light grey track pants, one arm up to rub at their eyes.

“Oh, did I wake you?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. I would rather wake up to fix this-” They gesture to the water currently soaking the bottom of their pants as they walked over to the machine, fingers twitching. “- now, then when it’s flooding my room.”

“I’m really sorry, I honestly have no idea what I did-”

“It’s fine, they haven’t been serviced for ages so I’m not exactly shocked. You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to find machines that last longer than a year. ” Their laughter was quiet, and rough, and Yongguk coloured further.

Everything else on the ship was shockingly durable, but the budget hadn’t allowed Jongup to invest in great quality washing machines, or in any form of recreational paraphernalia. Himchan had been horrified enough to buy his own tv and gaming set before they took off.

Bending over, Jongup stuck their head into the machine to fiddle around with something, and their sweats pulled tight over their legs and Yongguk had to look away, face flaming at this point.

“Actually, I was wanting to talk to you about Daehyun.” Yongguk froze, but Jongup’s head was still inside the washing machine. Their voice echoed weirdly.

“What about her?”

“Why can’t she go outside?”

“She went against a direct order from the Admiral, and from me. We found her out drinking, in a place that is known to us to be a source of mutant trafficking.”

“Oh. Well she can go out now, Admiral’s orders.”

“I wasn’t informed-”

“It’s okay, I’ll get him to send a directive tomorrow. Just…. Don’t tell her it came from me alright?” Jongup’s face was pink, partially from the blood that had rushed to their head and partly because of what they were asking. The distortion of their voice had stopped once they poked their head back out of the machine.

“Okay, thank you. Hopefully she’ll be less….. Antsy after going out for a bit.”

“Hopefully. Now the water shouldn’t have leaked through to anywhere, but while I go check the floor below would you mind wiping up as much water as you can?”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks for this, and please don’t uh…. Don’t tell any of the others.”

Jongup laughed.

“You keep my secret and I’ll keep yours, yeah?”

 

***

 

“Engineer Jung, please report to command.”

Daehyun groaned, still mostly asleep. Rubbing the crustiness away from her eyes, she sat up, stretched, pulled on a proper shirt and was on her way to command. Her slippers weren’t the most professional attire, but Yongguk also wasn’t supposed to call for her during her sleep shift. In fact, Yongguk wasn’t even supposed to be awake.

She might have also still been mad at him for ignoring her.

“Captain.”

“Daehyun. Sorry to wake you, but I have some really good news. You’re allowed to go outside.”

“W-what?”

“Only when supervised by another crew member of course, but yes, you are allowed-”

Daehyun launched herself across the room and into Yongguk’s arms, wrapping herself around him and pinning his arms to his sides.

“Thank you! Thank you, thank you thank you!” She bounced on her toes still hugging Yongguk tightly before taking an abrupt step back, face flaming. “Thank you, captain. I won’t let you down.”

“I know. Thank you, Daehyun.”

She smiled, soft and happy and Yongguk had to take a step back just to breathe.

“That will be all.”

Her face fell, and as much as Yongguk hated it he had to keep the distance between them. Not only would it be unprofessional to date a junior crew member (or any of the crew at all), but Yongguk was, frankly, terrified. He had never managed a successful and healthy relationship his entire life, and this soulmate business was starting to get complicated.

He knew Daehyun had both himself, Zelo and Jongup as soulmates. He knew Himchan was also Jongup’s soulmate, and therefore also his. He was pretty sure Youngjae was also Daehyun’s soulmate, and again therefore also his. But after the revelation that Jongup essentially orchestrated all their deaths in their past life, nobody seemed willing to talk about it.

Not about Jongup, not about them all being soulmates, nothing. Sure, Himchan and Zelo both went out all the time, and could be found snuggled up together whenever they were left alone, but nobody was doing anything about it. Yongguk wasn’t about to be the first. Although there was a lot to gain, they would all be stuck together for the rest of the now 4 year long mission. There was a lot to lose if things went south too.

 

***

 

Their therapist had told them that keeping a sort of diary might help, to not only keep track of their mood but also to enable them to see what they were feeling in writing, as a way to get it out of their head. And so almost religiously, they would note down the events of the day and what they thought about and what they felt, in almost illegible shorthand. Nobody else would ever read it.

So, there they sat, knees up, journal pressed against their thighs, back pressed against the wall, tangled in their bedcovers.

“Jongup!”

Their heart jolted and their breathing stopped, but Jongup didn’t move. A pause. Their head moved towards the door, closing the pages of their book.

“Yes?”

It was Daehyun. “It’s your turn!”

“To what?”

“To-” she walked further into their space, making large quotation marks with her hands. “-’chaperone’ me. Like I’m not a grown adult, or something.”

“Oh. Give me five minutes.”

She didn’t leave. “U-uhm….. Can you please wait outside?”

They were painfully aware of their lack of pants beneath the covers.

“Why? It’s not like you’re naked or anything under there right?”

“...”

“Ohmygod really?!” She clapped her hands and delight, before frowning and turning to glare at Jongup as if they had been the one to do something wrong. Then she turned, and was out the door before Jongup could say anything else.

 

***

 

The entire outing had been a disaster.

Well, kind of. Daehyun was torn. Jongup was so endearing, and careful and confident where they hadn’t been before, but also very, very reminiscent of a Jongup she wanted to erase from her memory.

So, obviously, she had spent the day alternating between her clingy self and the rage filled facade she was supposed to be keeping up. Jongup hadn’t even tried to approach her about it, and she hadn’t done anything wrong. Why should she be the one to extend the olive branch? Jongup was likeable, even more so now that they were actually confident enough to speak sometimes. But Daehyun still clung to the feeling of betrayal, because she couldn’t be the first to admit she was wrong.

She was honestly a bit surprised that Jongup hadn’t pulled rank on her during her last stunt, instead they just physically picked her up and removed her from the situation. Which is how they ended up like this.

Daehyun held bridal style in Jongup’s arms, her own crossed over her chest, walking back towards the ship. She had almost started a fight with some middle-age-snotty-nose-silver-spoon type, who had very loudly refused to tip the waitstaff, claiming it was unacceptable for them to hire ‘that’ (‘that’ being a very nervous looking young person who was working the register, foundation not quite the right shade and shoulders a bit too tight in their shirt.)

Leaning over to deck the woman had been her first instinct, but, because she was not an actual twelve year old, she instead, rather politely, tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked her why she thought that type of language was acceptable. Jongup seemed mostly oblivious, until the woman stood up to complain, and Daehyun stuck her leg out at just the right moment to ‘accidentally’ knock her down.

A screaming match had begun, and upon the realisation that Daehyun was with starfleet the woman began screeching for a ‘superior officer’ to complain about her apparent ‘starfleet arrogance’. In a shocking turn of events, Jongup had risen and calmly spoke. They looked expectantly at the lady, who, upon noting the starfleet insignia upon Jongup’s shirt began to rage even louder.

“Your type is the worst, bloody do-gooders letting people live these delusions.” The lady raged, her shaking hands raising (along with Daehyun’s blood pressure) and getting very close to Jongup’s face. She finished her tirade with a disgusted, “God made you the way you are, anyone trying to go against that is unnatural and a freak. They should be put down.”

Jongup just blinked, and slowly pushed her hands down, and away from their face.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset, their actions don’t affect you.”

The lady went a very entertaining shade of purple, sputtering and shaking before finally blurting out “At least I’m not a freak like him-” And pointed directly at the person at the register, sneering. “That’s right. I can see it in your aura, freak.” Her voice was loud as it echoed across the restaurant, and the poor cashier looked like they were about to cry.

Daehyun lunged, and somehow Jongup was in the way, holding firmly onto Daehyun’s tense wrists. Their hands were warm, and strong, and Daehyun calmed a little. The red around their vision faded. Slightly.

Jongup turned, eyes cold as they spoke down to the woman (when did they get so tall?)

“If you ever speak like that again, I can assure you that you will choke on your own bile for the rest of your piteous life.”

The woman threatened to call the police, and the red was back and then Jongup had to carry Daehyun out. Daehyun hadn’t been exactly sure how Jongup intended to carry out the threat, but it had been badass anyway.

Not that Daehyun liked Jongup or anything.

“H-hey!”

Jongup froze, and turned slowly. As they moved, they lowered Daehyun the ground, one hand still looped around her waist as they both stood upright. The cashier stood there, shaking slightly in the brisk wind.

“I uh… I just wanted to say thank you. My boss isn’t against me or anything, but they don't do anything when customers are shitty like that and I just wanted to thank you-” They stopped, hands coming up to their mouth. “S-sorry, I rambled when I get nervous. I’m Youngjae, she/her.”

“Daehyun, she/her.”

“Jongup, they/them.”

“Oh, one of my friends uses they/them too. That’s really cool.”

Jongup nodded, face impassive.

“So uh… yeah. That was all, sorry to waste your-”

“Do you want to come get dinner with us? And talk?” Daehyun interrupted, and Jongup sent her a glare so cold she almost considered taking her offer back. But seeing the blinding grin stretch across Youngjae’s face steeled her nerves, and the young girl so reminiscent of Daehyun herself nodded quickly.

“I-I’d love too. But I actually have to go back to work in ten minutes so….” She trailed off, eyes nervous and unsure again.

“How about lunch tomorrow instead?”

 

***

 

The wall was already littered with missing posters. In certain places there were so many they all just peeled off, heavy sheets of paper and glue curling towards the ground, revealing the decaying wall behind them. Had any of them ever been found? Was anyone even looking? Mark was still putting up posters for Jinyoung though.

The glue smelt disgusting, and the picture of Jinyoung plastered allover the posters was one from when they were in high school, age 15. They would be nearly 20 now. Mark had now idea how Jinyoung would look now, or if they were even alive.

But he wasn't going to give up yet. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is like 2930820% welcome!!! I have no idea when I'll update this again or what's happening but!!!! it'll happen eventually!!!


	10. preliminary (chapter 9)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> preliminary: preceding and leading up to the main part, matter, or business; introductory; preparatory:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyeeeeee i'm back! finally! i have 12 weeks of school left (plus another fortnight of holidays!!! bless!!!) i'm probably not gonna manage another chapter between now and the end but i might i dunno i probably shouLdn'T but??? ew  
> tw for? ments of kidnapping, negative self talk, that's about it really this is kind of a chill chapter? trying to Set Up The Plot (i struggled a bit with the pretentious word for this chap which is why it's a bit ://// lmao)  
> GOT7 are going to be in this a fair bit bc i needed more character For Reasons (and also i <3 snot7) and JB was already in the fic so? B.A.P will still be the mains so do not worry

Youngjae was an avid talker, Jongup discovered, and Daehyun blossomed under the attention of somebody new.

“So are y’all just a couple?”

Jongup choked.

“W-what? N-no, how did you even…… what?”

Daehyun stuttered, after rather ungracefully spitting half her drink back into her cup. Jongup looked on in silent disgust.

“I can just uh… see that you’re both soulmates, sorry, I probably shouldn’t have asked. It’s just, you were carrying her earlier and I assumed things like always, and I really am so sorry-”

“It’s fine Youngjae.” Jongup finally found the words to cut the fumbling girl off. “We are soulmates, but we aren’t dating.” Faintly they recalled the fact that they hadn’t actually remembered Daehyun yet. The only person they had memories of was Zelo. Her vitriol at their shared memories made Jongup even less inclined to discover what they were certain was a murderous past. Although they still weren’t entirely sure of their previous self’s motives, based on Daehyun’s reaction it probably wasn’t justifiable.

Not that Jongup thought there would be a good enough reason to kill all their soulmates. But you never know.

“Yeah, the only reason they’re out here with me is because I have to be ‘chaperoned’. We aren’t even friends.”

Jongup didn’t nod, but they did not protest either.

Youngjae frowned.

A bubble of hot, wet hurt welled up in Jongup’s chest, and they just pushed it down. Before Daehyun had started to hate them, they actually did have a kind of crush on her. Childish and almost hero-worshippy. But now? Looking at Daehyun was just like rubbing salt in an already raw wound.

_This feeling isn’t helpful right now, I am hurt and that’s okay, but I’m going to deal with it later._

Not all of their time in therapy had been helpful, but the idea of putting emotions to the side for a moment, without dismissing them, was possibly the most useful. The searing burn lowered to a background simmer, like a pot on the stove left unattended.

Even if it boiled over later, at least it wouldn’t be in a restaurant full of other people.

Youngjae paused, eyes wide and her mouth hung open slightly.

“Oh. I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry.”

“That’s fine, don’t worry.”

Daehyun beamed, like an artificial light bulb, and a cloud of hesitancy hovered over the rest of the dinner.

The chatter picked up again after a while, but Jongup remained almost stoically silent. They only responded when Youngjae awkwardly asked for their input. Daehyun acted like they didn’t exist.

Jongup paid, and Daehyun left with plans to meet Youngjae again.

 

***

 

Jongup wrote so much in their journal that their hand cramped up. Their jaw too, was cramped from the painful and near constant clenching of jaw.Their sleep was fitful, waking every hour or so to just stare at the roof, thoughts curling and weaving and not making a whole lot of sense. They were so very loud though. 

_Not good enough._

Crawling up their throat like snakes, whispering in their ear. Trying to undo all the work, all the time and tears and sweat and blood that had gone into Jongup’s recovery.

_What a weakling_

The acid in the back of their throat tasted foul, yet Jongup just rolled onto their side and plugged in their headphones.

It was going to be a long night.

_Nobody really likes you anyway. And why would they?_

 

***

 

Daehyun felt heavier, weighed down by something other than her indignation. Maybe it had been a step too far to declare that they weren’t even friends, that she didn’t even care. Any satisfaction she imagined she would have found in the slump of Jongup’s shoulders as they walked home was nothing compared to this guilt.

_Why couldn’t they be friends?_

But she couldn’t help but feel outraged. Jongup had killed her, and very nearly abused her in their other lives. Who knows what it might have been like in the one’s she could not remember. Surely her anger was justified?

_Why did she always ruin everything?_

Then she would remember Jongup catching her as she fell from the roof, allowing her to burst into their room every day and bother them when she wanted attention, silently trying to help her out.

The startling crimson of their blood along the white floors.

Then she remembers how safe she feels around this new Jongup. How their broad shoulders and strong hands make her want to touch, and she yanks herself back.

_No one had made her feel this safe since Yongguk_

After all this time how can she really apologise, when she is still angry? When fire still burns in her veins?

Maybe she needs to work out if she burns for Jongup, or wants to see them burn for her.

 

***

 

“I’m home!”

Youngjae chimed as she burst through the front door, startling Mark out of his slumber. Well, he hadn’t been fully asleep, but he was nearly there. Now he was relatively alert, straightening up from his hunched position over the counter. Yugyeom and Bambam were in the midst of an aggressive game of snap on the living room floor. They spare her a quick greeting, before feverently returning to their match.

The score was five all and the prize was the final serving of their favourite sugar coated cereal.

There wasn’t much time before the duo needed to head out to work again.

“Hey babe. How was work? Did you get asked to stay back again?”

“It was pretty alright. No, I’m sorry I was out so late, but I ended up going out for dinner with these two other trans people. It was super fun! I forgot to tell you, oops! Have you all eaten?”

“Yeah, we ate earlier. That sounds really nice-”

“Yeah! They were really cool.”

Youngjae detailed her night, all while carefully stripping off her work uniform and into some of Mark and Yugyeom’s clothes. Her uniform was folded and placed carefully on the end of the bench, and then she made her way over to Mark.

The only clothes she owned were her old school uniform (which she would never wear again) and her work uniform. Mark and Yugyeom had enough clothes for her and Bambam to steal, and they were well looked after.

Cheap clothes were the only type they could afford, and they would only ever last so long. Some of Mark’s things (he had the most clothes out of all of them) were very high end and durable, but most of their clothes didn’t last.

In fact, their current savings goal was for a few good winter coats. Soon enough it would be too cold to get by with layering a few shirts and a hoodie.

Occasionally Mark felt back about the fact he had almost double the clothes of everyone else. Youngjae would always reassure him with a ‘Your wardrobe is basically mine as well anyway, don’t feel bad.’

Distracting from his internal monologue, Youngjae curled her arms around his waist, thumb gently brushing his hip under the hem of his shirt.

He was sat on their one barstool, at the kitchen bench. The paper was laid out in front of him, circles around certain advertisements and a list of numbers next to it already crossed off. His glasses lay nearby next to a glass of water.

“Find anything?”

“Not yet. I’m really sorry Youngjae, I know you have to work so much and I-”

Youngjae just cut him off with a soft kiss, wrapping her arm around him tighter. 

“I know you’re trying, and that’s what important okay?”

Her speech was distorted by a yawn, and her hand came up to rub sleepily at her face. The sleeve was a bit too long, and Mark was struck with a rush of affection.

“Besides, I don’t mind-” Another yawn.”-working so much. It’s good to be out of the house. And I get to meet all sorts of cool people.”

Youngjae yawned again.

“I think it’s time for bed.”

Marks smile was strained. Youngjae was looking more and more frail these days. Although her cheerful personality made it a bit harder to spot, Mark knew her. Had known her for years. He could see the dark circles through her concealer (and the increase in the amount of concealer she used), and the way she just slept all the time. She used to stay up and sing, and play and laugh. Bambam and Yugyeom too.

All three of them were all taken so cruelly from their youth. Forced to work so hard their fingers bled for what? A two room shoebox of an apartment and enough food to sate their appetite (usually)?

Once upon a time the only thing they had to complain about was homework. All they did was go to school and go out and enjoy themselves.

Now all the three of them did was play snap, sleep, and work.

Mark was the only one yet to find a job, and he spent his days alternating between looking for one, and hunting for a ghost.

The eldest, and the greatest disappointment. All he did was let them down, when he didn’t even really have to be here. He could always go home. Something always stopped him. (Maybe it was the reason he left to begin with)

Slowly he walked Youngjae to their shared bedroom, pulling the covers back for her and waiting for her to lay down.

“You don’t have to do this-”

Her face was red, blotchy and beautiful. There was a small breakout the streaked down her left cheek, bags under her eyes, and eye liner still smudged slightly under her eyes. And still she was beautiful, not in spite of her ‘flaws’, but because of them.

And even when Mark would wax poetic about how she was robbed of her youth, Youngjae was also very much an adult. Despite her somewhat timid personality, she was the head of the house. He generally just did as she asked.

Sometimes she still listened to Mark though.

“I know. Lay down.”

She did.

Mark sat up by her head, gently tapping a silent rhythm against her shoulders as she wriggled around to get comfortable.

“We should do a spiderman kiss!” Youngjae cheered, making grabby motions at Mark.

He froze, taking a slow deep breath before shaking his head.

Mark wasn’t sure he would ever be able to kiss anyone without remembering the rush of the wind, the crinkling of crows feet by a pair of deep dark eyes, of the person who Mark thought he would have forever with.

Youngjae reached up with a frown, one of her hands gently brushing against Mark’s cheek. He startled.

“You know you can talk to me about anything right?”

Mark nodded, reaching up to tangle their hands together for a moment, before guiding Youngjae’s hand back to her stomach.

“One day. N-not yet.  Now hush, I need to concentrate.”

Echoed by Youngjae’s soft laughter, Mark’s fingertips pressed lightly her temples, gently brushing her hair out of the way.

All the stress from the day seemed to fade, and Youngjae was filled with a deep sense of being content. Her heart slowed, her breath became steady and her eyes closed.

Mark silently peeled himself away and out of the bed.

There were calls to be made, and hopefully, jobs to be gotten.

 

***

 

“Alrighty everyone, now I’m sure you’re all thrilled-” Daehyun and Youngjae booed loudly from their seats, and Yongguk sighed.

Every staff meeting felt like facing down a group of toddlers. But with less respect.

“-to know that we are finally going to be starting on our main mission. It seems the multiple delays may have worked in our favour. The data we have gathered is more extensive than we originally thought it would be, and thus we are proceeding to the next stage earlier than originally intended. There are only two significantly likely exit points for traffickers, the off planet garbage disposal and on commercial flights. Zelo, you and either Jongup or Daehyun have been asked to go undercover and, basically, be trafficked.”

“What?” Himchan snapped, his already upright back somehow pushing itself straighter as he sat up taller.

“It’s the most efficient plan. You would be fitted with a chemical tracer, which would allow us to find you at an incredible range without the tracer itself being detectable.”

Yongguk made eye contact with Zelo and Daehyun, but it was Himchan who was prodding him with questions.

“Define ‘incredible range’ please, Captain.”

“Planet wide, generally. Unless the planet was extraordinarily large, but there aren’t any of that size in this system.”

“And how safe would they be, really?” Himchan’s back had deflated slightly, but his eyes were still narrowed and focussed fully on Yongguk.

“Honestly, we would not be able to guarantee their 100% safety. Which is why, this mission is completely voluntary. If you don’t want to participate, there will be no repercussions.”

Daehyun snorted, crossing her arms.

“However, Jongup and Daehyun cannot both participate, as that would leave us short our entire engineering department.”

“I’ll go. I’m not getting stuck on this ship for an eternity again.”

“Daehyun, it was only about 8 months. You were in the womb for longer.”

“Shut up Himchan.”

Daehyun snapped, and Himchan appeared taken aback. Usually Daehyuns retorts were of a higher calibre.

“Anyway,-” Yongguk interrupted the duo, gaze sweeping across the room.”-that’s one person, and rules out Jongup. Zelo?”

“Can you give me a few more details?”

“Essentially, after being injected with the tracker, and psychologically prepared, you both would be ’kicked out’ of starfleet and forced to make ends meet here. You should then make a few obvious displays of your power and then answer one of the many very questionable job postings. You would then be trafficked, and we would track your movements until you reach another planet. At this point we will notify the relevant authorities move in and retrieve you as well as apprehend those responsible.”

“Why don’t we try and join the traffickers instead?”

“We already have an agent who works as a trafficker, who still needs to make a few ‘good deals’ before they are given the details of the transportations of ‘goods. high and mid class mutant would bolster their credentials, and given they can find out how and where these people go, you may not even need to stay undercover long enough to move anywhere. Although the plan is not fool proof, both of your safeties’ would come first. If our mole needed to blow their cover to save you from grievous harm they would.”

“Okay.” Zelo’s voice cracked, but xir chin still stood high.

“I’ll send a more detailed briefing to both of your tablets, along with the waivers you need to sign and what you can and cannot be held accountable for during your time undercover. If at any point you decide this might not be for you I will 100% support your decision, okay?”

Both Daehyun and Zelo murmured their consent, and suddenly the room was in motion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is like 2930820% welcome!!! thank you so much for all the comments and kudos!!!! I have no idea when I'll update this again or what's happening but!!!! it'll happen eventually!!!


	11. seizure (chapter 10)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seizure - the act or an instance of seizing or the condition of being seized; a sudden attack, spasm, or convulsion, as in epilepsy or another disorder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should have been doing school work instead of this but i dont want to think about school ending in a month and a half so :||||||||||||  
> tw for kidnapping / needles ment / torture ment / violence i guess

Daehyun had had hundreds of injections and blood tests in her lifespan. When she had been based at home, she even gave blood semi regularly. Needles did not scare her.

Except she had never had a needle in her neck. Her ‘rarely sees the sun let alone the touch of another human being’ neck.

On the fringe of her soul scar, a little needle gun would be used to get the tracker into her system. It had to go deep enough that it would be invisible from the surface. The needle wasn’t short either, nearly 5 centimeters long. Just the thought made her stomach twist and roll. God, how embarrassing would it be if she threw up?

Within 24 hours she would be trackable planet wide. Ready for her mission, ready to get out of here.

The training with the psychologist had been easy, Daehyun had been spitting a mixture of truth and lies to them since she was 6 years old. She knew what they wanted to hear, and what she needed to say to convince them. Lies came easily to her. However, lying to a trained psychologist probably wasn’t the most professional thing she could have done, but she just wanted to get out there. To get out of this awful ship.

Daehyun knew enough to know that if she went on about any hesitations she could be forced into yet another hour of what was essentially therapy. Pre-therapy. Therapy for what was going to happen to her. (She knew it probably wouldn’t help her, but there was still a little bit of hope.)

But she wasn’t scared of her mission, wasn’t scared of the potential abuse and violence she would face. She had already faced worse than that at home and at school, this was nothing.

Her breakfast threatening to make an awesome comeback at the thought of the needle, was the more immediate threat. 5 centimeters was a bit excessive, really.

“Okay Daehyun, just hold still, this won’t hurt.”

Youngjae’s laughter wasn’t reassuring, and she shot him a glare. She had thought that maybe he would be able to put her at ease, but she still could feel her stomach trying to rebel.

“Hey, look at me.”

Zelo had already had xir injection, no complaints. How the kid did it only god knew.

“Hm?”

“Injections are always easier when you don’t think about them. Are you excited for our adventure? I’ve never lived by myself before, and even though it’s only for a few weeks I’m really excited!”

Zelo kept on rambling, hands flying through the air rapidly, and Daehyun was so busy trailing the very soft look curves of xir cheeks to really pay attention to xir words. Or to the injection. She felt it, of course, but it was over quickly and she honestly barely cared.

“All done.”

Zelo smirked a little, before xir smile fell into something a bit more innocent. Xie continued to talk for a little while longer, as they both lay there. Something to do with potential reactions, Youngjae had said. Daehyun hadn’t been listening.

“Alright, you both should be free to go. Come to Yongnam or me right away if you feel any dizziness, or any stark pain around the injection site. You will be sore, but if you think something is wrong, come and see us please.”

With a sigh she relaxed, lowering her legs to the floor and tentatively rolling her head to the side to see how the pain was. Zelo was silent, finally.

“...... Thank you, Zelo.”

Xie grinned.

 

***

 

“Hey Himchan?”

There was a sigh.

“Yes?”

“If you die with braces on do they leave them on? Or do they take them off? Do you end up floating out there with braces on?”

“You don’t even have braces, why are you asking this?”

“It’s been bothering me. Also, if my face gets wrecked when I die I’m not having any sort of open casket thing okay? Just shot me straight out into space with some confetti. Lots of confetti. Rainbow confetti.”

Himchan turned, eyes softening as his gaze trailed Zelo’s faintly trembling form.

“Of course. Metric tonnes of confetti and glitter. You’re gonna come back though you know? You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I want to!” Zelo protested, uncurling from xir position on Himchan’s bed. “I just have a small case of the jitters is all.” The final few words were muffled by Himchan’s bed covers, as Zelo rolled over to bury xir face in them. Sometimes it was easy to forget xir youth, when Zelo towered physically over everyone else.

“You’ll be fine, I promise. If anything happens to you, I’ll somehow teleport there myself and get you out. Scout’s honour.”

“You? Really?”

Himchan waited for xem to continue, to make a mockery. Xie did not. Watery eyes instead peeked up from Himchan’s bed covers.

“Really. Whatever it takes.” His voice was low, quiet, but a little of the darkness faded from Zelo’s eyes.

“...... Okay.”

 

***

 

Daehyun had honestly intended to go speak to Jongup, and resolve at least some of the issues between them.

There was even a sticky note attached to her crisp square bathroom mirror, with deep etched words as a reminder to ‘talk to them!’

But now here she was. Sitting staring at an old, but also new, dilapidated mirror, sitting in an old, but also new dilapidated room, waiting to go work at an old, but also new, dilapidated hospital.

She had already had her fun being ‘kicked out’ after starting a bar fight, whining to anyone within her range about how ‘unfair’ it was. She had managed to secure this small apartment along with her job, as a rather kind doctor had offered them both to her.

He could be a trafficker, or he could be a genuinely altruistic person. His expressions were always very vague, so it was hard to tell.

 

***

 

He was a trafficker. Thank god.

Almost a whole month had passed, of Daehyun’s patients having ‘miracles’, and of her subtly trying to hint about it to her boss. Daehyun was in a poster covered alleyway behind the hospital, for a ‘smoke break’. She had given up smoking a long time ago, but it was easy enough to fall back into the habit.

Someone had her pressed against the wall, muttering about ‘mutant bitches’ as they tried to choke her out. She had struggled, weakly, and everything was beginning to fade. Her eyes rolled back.

 

Then the person was gone, dropping to the ground, and air was filling Daehyun’s grateful lungs. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.  

She turned, and there stood a small girl, with short dark red hair and a fragile bone structure.

Daehyun took a breath.

“How did you take him down?”

“I’m a mutant bitch too. Name’s Marla.”

“Daehyun.”

 

This threw a spanner in the works.

 

***

 

Zelo was supposed to use xir proper name for the duration of the mission, so that the mole would be able to help xim out if need be.

Instead, xir introduction to their boss had gone something like this.

“You have any experience kid?”

“A little bit, as a dishwasher. No serving experience.”

“Okay. Name, and where are you from?”

“Choi Junhong-” At this point xie knew they had fucked up, but it was too late to do anything about it now. “- and I was born on Mars station.”

“You’re a long way away from Mars, aren’t you?”

Xir new employed looked them up and down, before her eyes came to rest on Zelo’s own.

“I used to be with starfleet, but I got kicked out.”

“What for?”

“My captain had something against me, my uniform wasn’t ‘up to scratch’ too many times.”

“They seriously kick people out for that? Your boss really must have hated you.”

Zelo nodded.

“Well just make sure your uniform is clean, and you’ll be just fine here.”

Her predatory smile was all the confirmation Zelo needed.

 

***

 

“Thank you for saving me.”

“Anytime. It’s not the first time I’ve done it.”

“How did you know though?”

“A friend of mine was taken in the same place. One of my friends can tell when people are going to get taken from there, at least sometimes. I show up.”

“Ahhh, well thank you. Now my boss will have to give me my end of the month bonus!”

Daehyun cheered, looking both ways through the alley before stepping closer.

“Are there any other places a girl like me should watch out for?”

“Pretty much everywhere honestly. Behind the supermarket, anywhere that’s dark by the water treatment plant after 6pm, side streets near the clubs.”

“Oh, thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. See if I can get out of those night shifts.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, thank you again. My break is nearly over though.”

“Oh, yeah of course. See ya.”

“Bye~”

And then the girl was gone, and Daehyun steeled herself to turn back inside.

“Get ready for the tears.”

 

***

 

She got two days of paid leave. And there was ‘going to be an inquiry into security’ headed by the very nice doctor, Dr Zhang. It was safe to say nothing would come of it.

Jimin had seemed very distraught when Daehyun had re-entered the hospital, and nearly started crying with her. She was very nice, and had been very helpful. Although she looked very young, she just claimed the babyface gene fan in her family.

 

She had followed Daehyun on her breaks for the next week, ‘in case anything else happened’. A new camera had been installed in the alley, but a quick check of the network showed that it wasn’t even on.

Jimin’s protectiveness eventually let up, and Marla was in the alleyway again. She stood almost directly under the camera, and far enough away that they would both have to talk uncomfortably loud. She made an aborted gesture at the camera, and Daehyun laughed. She did it again, and Daehyun just pulled out her phone, pretending it was a call.

“You know that probably isn’t even on right?”

“Can’t be too careful. I’m surprised you haven’t been nabbed yet.”

“Me too. Jimin has been following me around as ‘protection’, but I don’t think it’s her. He must be planning something.”

“You should have dinner with me one night. “

“Uhm-” Daehyun was taken aback, brows furrowing. “I’m not exactly on the market.”

Marla laughed.

“No, I meant to talk information. You clearly aren’t what you seem, but I think we both have similar goals.”

“Oooh. Yeah okay, sounds nice.”

They made plans, and then with a brisk nod, Marla was gone.

 

***

 

Zelo barely even had to wait. Second week of work, and someone pressed their finger to xir neck. It felt like lightening, and xie was out cold.

 

***

 

Burgundy really suited Marla. Her coat and choker were both black, but her red hair matched her shirt beneath. Even her nails were the dark red.

Daehyun personally had always preferred a lighter, redder red.

One just like the red that crowded her vision as Marla slowly, stuttering told her story.

“I told you my friend was taken, but the truth is so was I. They kept us in these tiny cages, without food or water or anything. Actually, water ran down on us from a drain pipe on the roof though. So, we could drink water, I guess. But it was so cold. We were told that we could leave if we just showed the extent of our powers, that we were safe, and that they already knew.”

“I think they thought one of us had powers, but weren’t sure who. My friend cracked first, and she… they took her away. They took me away a day later, and I don’t really remember after that. They pumped me full of this drug, and my whole body just cramped up. The pain was… unimaginable. I think they were trying to force me to show.”

Marla paused, taking a deep breath as she tapped her nails against the table top slowly.

“Then I just woke up in an alley, with new clothes and some money and a bottle of water. I’m lucky my power only works if other people are there, otherwise they probably would have seen what I can do.”

“I still haven’t found her, and it’s been nearly two years now.”

 

***

 

“Hey Daehyun, can I talk to you about something?”

Jimin, who was usually bouncing off the walls, had been flat all week. She had taken a week off for a ‘romantic holiday’ and hadn’t been the same since.

“Yeah sure, it’s time for a smoke break anyway.”

 

***

 

“Sooo?”

“I uhm…. I have a confession to make.”

“Okay?”

“I’m uh. A mutant. Specifically, fire manipulation.”

“Oh, shit. That’s pretty high class too, or something?”

“Yeah.”

Jimin’s eye’s changed, suddenly. The dark blue bags under her eyes contrasted with the red fire in her eyes.

“You need to take this.”

She held out a tablet. Daehyun’s eyes followed the shaking movement of her arm.

Slowly, Daehyun held out her own hand. Jimin’s hand twisted and the tablet dropped into Daehyun’s palm.

“Am I allowed to know what it is?”

“No. Please, take it, otherwise I’ll have to hurt you.”

“Okay.”

“Am I allowed to know why?”

Jimin pursed her lips, looking side to side before shrugging.

“I guess so. They have someone I love.”

“Oh.”

Daehyun dry swallowed the pill.

“I don’t feel anything yet.” She joked, but any humour was lost on Jimin’s sheet white face.

Daehyun hit the ground after a minute, and this time Marla wasn’t there to save her.

The maroon girl’s efforts had been for nothing.

Daehyun hoped she wouldn’t worry too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyeee i hope y'all liked it!!!! if anyone can guess where marla has already been mentioned in this fic u get ? the satisfaction of being a top quality human and also my love  
> feedback is like 2930820% welcome!!! I have no idea when I'll update this again or what's happening but!!!! it'll happen eventually!!!


	12. exposure (chapter 11)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> exposure - the act of exposing, laying open, or uncovering; disclosure, as of something private or secret; presentation to view, especially in an open or public manner; a laying open or subjecting to the action or influence of something:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy so i should be studying for exms but instead i wrote this - some of it is a bit ehhhhh but i need to move on with my life so im posting it as is lmao (sorry in advance for any typos i tried to catch them all but!!! i'm not too flash atm) - tw for sensory overload (i think it's called smth else but i can't! remember!) ment of cults, murder, overdose

There were people talking. Lots of people. So many different languages too, stretching the limits for Zelo’s power. Xie knew, from actual classes or ‘teach yourself’ books, about 5 languages fluently, and the basics of a few more. The bare basics, like greetings and 'Sorry, I don't speak your language well."

Xie could hear at least 20. 

And they weren’t quiet. 

Greetings, adverbs, and lists of fruits hounded them, and they somehow understood what was being said without any genuine recognition of the words. 

Xie had better than normal hearing on most days, but didn’t often get overwhelmed. It was easy enough to tune out the noise if you had been doing it for years. Especially out in space. 

There normally wasn’t anyone who would raise their voice at Zelo. 

But right now it felt as though these people were all screaming directly into xir ears. Or maybe, directly into xir brain. 

Everything was too much, all at once. Swirling around inside xir skull was something latent, and small, trying to press back against the onslaught of dictation. Xir brain was expanding beyond the capacity of their skull, throbbing against the bone.  Xie couldn’t open xir eyes to see, couldn’t feel of xir body. Except for the ever more painful tensing of xir back, causing xie to arch off of the table (bed? Board? Xie couldn’t feel anything but the straps, pinning xem down.)  Xir heart was pumping, faster, and faster, and something was swirling around in xir guts. Xir skull felt as though someone was trying to break their way out from the inside, with infinite pounding of tiny hammers.

Another voice was added to the fray. 

The amount of noise was painful by itself, not even considered the splitting headache that grew with every new word xie made sense of. 

The swirling grew, and tears started to stream. 

“P-ple-ease….. Make it stop…. Please.” 

Xie couldn’t move xir hands, couldn’t do anything to block out the sound. Xie jerked, feeling something in xir wrist give way as they struggled, tears streaming and muscles jerking in a desperate attempt to get out, to stop the noise.  

“P-please!” 

The pressure in xir skull increased, and suddenly the swirling in xir guts was burning up their throat, and then pouring out of xir mouth in an ungodly scream. 

The voices were silenced. 

But with the kickback, Zelo’s head was smashed back against the surgical-eske table xie was strapped too, and then xie was unconscious again. 

 

*** 

 

They had both been taken, to the same location. Which was a good sign, except their mole had only encountered one of them. They had passed on confirmation of Daehyun’s capture, but not Zelo. Zelo’s tracker was definitely there though. Yongguk could see it, a small dot of green light, right next to Daehyun’s red spot. 

If their mole couldn’t find them, Zelo could end up anywhere. Xie could end up dead.

 

A little voice inside Yongguk raged on, but he sat still. Preferential treatment of staff was not allowed. Soulmate or not, there wasn’t much he could do anyway. 

 

***

 

Youngjae had taken over Daehyun’s role as ‘mood maker’, but there was only so much ‘mood’ he could make. 

“That’s it. I’ve had enough. Jongup, honest to god, why are you moping so much? My best friend left too, in case you forgot, but I’m not mumbling and grumbling my way through every single human interaction.”

Jongup looked up from their replicated bowl of cereal, cheeks bulging. 

“....” They swallowed. “... what.”

“This, all the sad eyes and moping and, ohmygod, your constant cereal crunching is driving me up the wall. Enough. You didn’t talk things out with Daehyun, oh well, the sun will rise again tomorrow.” 

Jongup blinked. 

“Well?” 

“I’m not-..... I’m not moping.”

They honest to god whined. 

“No? Then why do you only eat cereal? Huh?”

The tips of their ears grew darker, blood rushing to their face. 

“I-it’s not….. Not moping.”

“THen what is it?”

“I…… I don’t know how to cook. Cereal is easy. Other foods? Not so much.”

“Is that-” Youngjae was interrupted by his own laughter, slapping a hand down on Jongup’s shoulder. “-why you’ve only been having cereal? Why didn’t you say anything, I’m sure Himchan or Jaebumie would have been happy to make you something?”

“My name is Jaebum, show some respect and use it properly.”

“Aren’t you a party-” Youngjae silenced, having turn and caught a glimpse of the dark expression stretching across Jaebum’s face.  

Jaebum strode into the cafeteria, and a dark chill rippled throughout the room. There was a bandage wrapped around his left arm, just below his elbow. Using his right he nearly ripped the kitchen door off it’s hinges, and disappeared inside, out of view. The sharp noises of someone aggressively handling the utensils followed.

Both Youngjae and Jongup were silent. 

 

***

 

Jaebum had been barred from entering a club. 

Security had taken one look at him, one look at their clipboard and told him to ‘get lost before we pound your mutant ass.”

He was not a mutant. 

Nothing unusual had ever happened to him as a child, no unexplainable events or skills. Just a dark scar across his stomach and a soulmate who didn’t even know who he was. There was no way that they could have known he was a mutant, even if he was one. 

Either way, he went and got Yongnam to take a blood sample just to make sure. 

An undiscovered mutant was more of a threat than one who knew about their powers. 

(“Some people don’t discover their powers until something happens, and they like, kill someone or blow something up. Often people who’s powers might be anatomical liberation, or organic hydrokinesis, or omnilingualism, like Zelo, go undetected a lot because their power comes from a different set of genes and doesn’t show up in our tests.” “Seriously?” “Seriously. It’s pretty unlikely for you to have any of those though, they are the rarest of the rare. They also are always accompanied by a significant amount of power, so you would have noticed something before now if you had one.” “Oh, good.”)

 

He had also bumped into the one and only Jackson wang (AKA Jaebum’s longtime crush back from even before he was in the academy.) They had been friends, almost, for the last two years of high school. Jaebum had looked a bit different back then, with silver hair and almost always wearing a mask. 

He had also been a bit smaller, but filled with a very violent rage. 

The two of them had sat, in a small gap between the school gym and the adjacent equipment shed. Sometimes Jaebum would smoke, but Youngjae beat the habit out of him before he could really even begin. 

Jaebum was used to just sitting alone, looking down the short stretch of gravel path, recharging before he had to go face yet another chemistry class. And then one day this other person was there, sitting in the shade across from Jaebum’s sunny seat. 

For the first week they both sat in shocked silence. Neither of them spoke. 

Until one day, Jaebum fell asleep in his spot. 

(He had taken up a night job, delivering pizzas. The money was okay, but the hours were shit. He didn’t even get overnight rates.) 

He had awoken to a light tapping on his shoulder, the distant sound of the school music echoing down the path. “It’s time for class.”

 

From then on Jackson would actually greet him upon arrival, and proceed to chatter about his day. 

Sometimes Jaebum would make appropriate humming noises, but mostly he just napped and hoped that Jackson would wake him up. 

He had even put his ‘dangerous’ reputation to good use, scaring off a couple of people who had thought it was funny to knock Jackson’s books out of his hands every time he made his way down the hall.

(Youngjae had teased him endlessly for it.) 

On the very last day, Jackson had hugged him, and the scar on the outside of his arm had brushed against Jaebum’s skin. 

He froze, and Jackson slipped away, red faced. 

(At the time Jaebum hadn’t really clued into how much courage that would have taken) 

When they had met again at the academy, Jackson had acted as if they were strangers. Jaebum didn’t correct him, and they never really spoke again.  

 

But at a little corner store (he had been hunting down a magazine for Himchan), he had, literally, run into Jackson. Well, they were both walking, acttually, but it had still hurt. 

As far as he knew, Jackson had chosen to be placed on earth, not out here in the far reaches of space. 

Jackson looked equally shocked, eyes wide and mouth dropping open. 

But then his face changed, all expression leaving and he continued on, as if nothing had happened. 

“Hey, wait-”

“Don’t. Just walk away.” 

It was a quiet hiss, but the odd twist of desperation colouring the words stopped Jaebum from pursuing it even further. 

He had been back, loitering around the area until Jackson showed up again. 

And then, Jaebum had proceeded to follow him until he went into one of the clubs that Jaebum knew was listed as a high traffic area for the type of people they were after. 

For the life of him Jaebum couldn’t say whether Jackson was a mutant or not. 

A few days later, he had tried to get inside. 

And it was almost as if the young person at the door, with crows feet under their eyes, had known who he was. 

So Jaebum had been banned from his first bar. 

 

Now that he thought about it, he probably wasn’t a mutant. The person out the front probably knew who he was. 

Which meant Jackson was involved. 

This was definitely something he should report to his superior. To Yongguk. 

 

He knew he wouldn’t though. 

 

It was time to take things into his own hands. 

 

***

 

“Okay so I have called this meeting today, not with the intent to talking about some mysterious disease that has gotten aboard the ship-” Yongguk groaned from the back, eyes rolling into the back of his head. “- but instead to address a major issue among the staff on this ship. And before anyone, ahem, Youngjae, starts to complain that it’s not my business, it 100% is. My twin, my medical buddy, and one of my good friends, and, well, sorry Jongup but we don’t really talk, I think you’re pretty cool though, are all moping. We all know you four plus the other two are soulmates, and that there is a whole lot of drama. Normally, I’m all for that, but I honestly just you all to shut up and like, go cuddle or something. Stop bothering me. I’ve had enough. And until you sort it out, I’m confining you all to medical.” 

 

“Yongnam, I’m the captain. You can’t confine me anywhere.” 

 

“As your older brother, I can. Have fun and stay safe kiddos.” 

 

Yongnam waved, and then ducked out of the med bay. 

 

Nobody bothered diving for the door. 

 

Things were silent. 

 

*** 

 

“Okay so since nobody else is doing anything I’m taking charge. Who here had recollected anything, and with who?” 

 

There was silence for a moment as three sets of eyes stared blankly at Youngjae. He blinked back, before sighing and shuffling around slightly on the bed. 

 

“Alrighty then, I’ll go first. I have memories from Daehyun, and that’s all. Himchan, you can go next and then pick someone.” 

 

“I have memories only from Jongup, which, you can go next.”

 

“I’ve recollected from just Zelo.”

 

“I have gotten memories from Zelo, Daehyun, and Youngjae.”

 

There was a pause before Yongguk spoke, and both Himchan and Youngjae almost stood up at his proclamation. 

 

“How have you not done anything when you have the most information?”

 

“Well, Himchan, our previous lives haven’t exactly been pleasant, so no.”

 

“We still have a right to know. Sharing is caring captain.” 

 

*** 

 

 

_ Yongguk had been the son of an influential cult leader.  _

 

_ Although still broad, he was less on the thin side and more well built. There was no gummy smile, only strained grins and weary grimaces.  _

 

_ Despite having all the power as the son of the leader, Yongguk also had certain expectations he had to fulfill. Music was banned, except for very classical type orchestral pieces, and relations with anyone not ‘of the family’ was banned. Yongguk was also charged with ‘teaching’ some of the newer members how the whole set up worked, and making it seem much nicer than it was.  _

 

_ There was also a pretty girl he had been forced to marry. Not that he had been complaining.  _

 

_ Her eyes and tongue were sharp, wit quick, always ready to slice into him at a moment’s notice. Never in front of his father of course, but behind closed doors she was always questioning things, prodding and poking at the lies his father had taught him since birth. All the things that his life had been built on, the power of his father and the power in his blood, was disputed. If it hadn’t been for the hollow ringing of the truth in her words he may have turned her into his father. She exposed to him the rotten underbelly of their whole little society, and Yongguk could not unsee it. They would speak often, at length, about things they wanted to do, things they had done, and things they could not do. Yet he still didn’t know her true face.  _

 

_ There had been a cherubic faced kid among the group, the only person his own age who stood out like a sore thumb. Many other youth who had not been born ‘into the family’ left as early as possible, but he stuck around. Where the others had been desperate to leave, the boy seemed desperate to stay. He was also the only one who was directly raised by Yongguk’s father after he had come to them. High cutting cheekbones, and strong shoulders, but the brightest smile. He had also been almost undyingly loyal to Yongguk’s father, who had gotten into his head from the most impressionable teenage years. (Yongguk’s grandparents had managed to snag him until he was six years old, and their cautious questioning of authority had managed to stick in him. This boy had no such defences. HIs parents, from what Yongguk had gathered, had been neglectful at best. It couldn’t have been hard to turn the poor boy against them.)  _

 

_ (Yongguk had tried to talk to him, hoping his authority as ‘the holy son’ would mean something. The boy couldn’t seem to understand though, and was far to scared of his father to really ever act against him. All he knew was fear, and all Yongguk could do was pity him. To speak to much would have the boy running to his father. ) _

 

_ Daehyun had been raised like his brother, like his missing twin. He had arrived on their doorstep at age 12 and never really left. Despite the tension between Daehyun and his father, the two of them had been close. They had grown up sharing their tan skin and huge appetite, before one day Daehyun just disappeared. In the weeks prior, he had more bruises on his face, and sat in silence at the dinner table and Yongguk and his parents chatted quietly about their days.  _

 

_ Yongguk hadn’t really thought about the harsh glares of his father at the time. Nor had he considered the meaningful glances between Daehyun and his wife.  _

 

_ And then they both had left, together. Yongguk’s pretty wife and his brother, ran away.  _

 

_ His father had been pissed.  _

 

_ Youngjae had joined ‘the family’ soon after Daehyun’s departure, eye trailing the photos on the wall where Yongguk and Daehyun had shared grins as children, up until their teens. His cheeks were soft and he was very polite, always doing as his father had asked. (Yongguk coudl vaguely recall Daehyun talking about another boy, and boy he had loved. A boy who he described to look exactly like Youngjae.) Another had followed, young and strong (Zelo, with her chest bound. Yongguk never found out about her true identity either.) _

 

_ After a few months, and a very telling newspaper article about ‘the family’, Yongguk and the three, Jongup, Zelo and Yongjae were sent to go find and ‘take care of loose ends.’ It was only going to make them seem more suspicious, but Yongguk was in no place to directly go against a man holding a gun out towards him.  _

 

_ There were a few well placed questions on Youngjae’s behalf, the four of them made their way over to their targets’ address. (Yongguk was sure he already knew though.) Yongguk wanted to turn away, after catching a glimpse of the duo’s shadows through the lace curtains.  _

 

_ Any thoughts of hesitation in Yongguk’s mind were evaporated when all three of his compatriots turned against him, and he was left sitting in one of the pink walled bedrooms. Although he was unrestrained, Zelo stood guard with a knife in case he ‘tried anything.’ _

 

_ There was a loud argument in the other room, and it was almost as if his wife’s voice was calling for his defence. (However, Yongguk could also make out Daehyun’s voice calling for his death.) _

 

_ Finally the other five entered, and offered an ultimatum.  _

 

_ “Join us, expose your father, or death.” _

 

_ Daehyun’s voice and ice were cold, and Yongguk was struck by the similarity to his father’s gaze. Gone was the brotherly warmth, and in is place Yongguk couldn’t find anything except emptiness.  _

 

_ “I know you aren’t as bad as him Yongguk, don’t let him twist you into something you aren’t.” _

 

_ His wife’s voice was softer, and her head was tilted pleadingly, as if there was a chance Yongguk wouldn’t take the brilliant opportunity to escape.  _

 

_ His head fell forwards in a slow nod, and suddenly the smallest of the lot was lurching forwards and there was hands curled tightly around his neck, and screaming in his ears. Something about his betrayal, and how his father had known that there was a mole.  _

 

_ In what seemed like both an eternity and only a second, blood was pouring out of the boy’s mouth and Yongguk was able to gasp, to struggle for air, rolling over onto his side, pulling the limp hands away from his neck. He slid out from under the boy slightly, but Jongup still rested against his torso.   _

 

_ Zelo stood, knife in hand and covered in blood.  _

 

_ “I-..... I-...... H-He wouldn’t have stopped if I had-dn’t……”  _

 

_ The house stood silent for a minute. The boy twitched, another laborious breath filling his lungs with even more blood. He coughed, and more of it splattered onto Yongguk’s chest. That was the end.  _

 

_ Surprised by the tears in his eyes, Yongguk gesture for the knife.  _

 

_ “Go clean yourself off. Tell them it was me.”  _

 

_ “What, no.” _

 

_ “You just threatened to kill me, don’t act concerned now. Go.” _

 

_ Zelo passed over the knife slowly, before leaving the three. There was a hint of something in her eyes, as they passed over the knife and over Jongup’s slack face. _

 

_ “Yongguk, you don’t have to. We can say it was self defense, or-” _

_ “No. I have been complicit in this all long enough, and if I had of tried harder he wouldn’t have turned out like this. I need to do this.” _

 

_ There was nothing else to say, really.  _

 

_ Daehyun offered him a small smile, and Yongguk could see a glimmer of what once was one of his only positive relationships. Yongguk just let his head sink down, flopping against the side of the chair.  _

 

_ “Goodbye brother.” _

 

_ It was hard to breathe. Yongguk just allowed himself to cry for a while, but the tears had dried to apathy by the time the police arrived to take him in.  _

 

_ *** _

 

_ Months later, while serving his shortened prison sentence not only for the boy’s death, but for his participation in his father’s schemes, someone slid a few small pills his way.  _

 

_ With vomit in his lungs and lips turning blue, Yongguk hoped that he would be able to forget this life.  _

 

***

 

“Wow, we are fucked.” 

 

“Youngjae, shut u-”

“No. In all the lives any of us remember we all end up fucked. If soulmates are destined, then maybe our fate to fuck each other over is too.” 

“Surely there is one life where we ended up okay, right?” 

Jongup’s voice was soft, and their eyes focussed on the ground. 

“.... Maybe.”

Himchan sighed. 

“We should all share recollections, so we can see if we can see back further.” 

“I-I don’t know if I really want to do that.”

Jongup’s shoulders were drawn tight, and they were hunching in on themselves on their bed. Knees pressed against their chest, they suddenly looked strikingly like the Jongup of old, the newer confident Jongup merely a mask. 

 

“Jongup, even if you have done bad things none of us are going to blame you. Not only is it in the past, but you wouldn’t do that now, and we know that.”

Himchan reached out to brush a comforting hand over Jongup’s back, but they flinched away. Himchan’s hand instead feel onto the bed covers .

“What’s supposed to make me different in this life? What if this is just how things are going to be?” 

“Do you want to kill us all now?”

“........no.”

“Exactly. Things don’t just randomly happen, we do have some control in our lives. You aren’t going to kill us.”

 

Jongup was silent, but after a beat rolled up their sleeves and held out their arm. 

 

“Go crazy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully you liked this!!! Comments are feedback are encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually


	13. interstice (chapter 12)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a space that intervenes between things; a gap or break in something generally continuous: a short space of time between events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight so tw for: murder, death that's actually about it wow  
> this is a bit short but i've fully finished exams so the next chapter should be a bit sooner!!!!

_Himchan was born a woman in this life, and wasn’t unhappy with it. It was useful to get men to do what she wanted, mostly. But women weren’t allowed to practice alchemy, so she had to make some adjustments._

_Her assistant, Jongup, had been the only one to know her secret._

_They had met in the mines, the only place she had been able to find work after leaving her old town and identity behind. The bindings made the hard work even harder, but the slowly growing stockpile of alchemical equipment was worth it._

_They often worked together, with little talking. Just keeping eachother company._

_The mine tragically blew up (Himchan bolted as the canary’s yellow head started to sag, dragging Jongup with her) and although they were both out of the job Himchan finally had the chance to start her new line of work._

_She asked Jongup to join her._

_They set up in the town just over the hill, close to the remnants of the mine where various minerals essential to Himchan’s craft could be sourced._

_And it worked. They worked together as a high end jewellery supplier and a supplier of several alchemical substances. The money flowed easily after that._

_Every spring a young merchant flew through their town, trading and flirting and trying to (unsuccessfully) swindle Himchan out of more of her hard-earned gold, or her wares, than he deserved._

_He had three knights, an older serious one and two younger, more playful men. She usually (when she could get him to speak) had the eldest teach her about the far-off parts of the land they had visited, the beaches, the mountains and the wide stretches of dust that left him dry and cracked. Himchan had only been to two towns in her life, and a part of her ached to leave._

_The younger two would joke around with Jongup, trying desperately to bother him. So far, they had been unsuccessful, but once Jongup snapped Himchan knew they wouldn’t bother him again._

_Unexpectedly, on the night of the full moon, the last for the springtime, the merchant had burst into her quarters, and had seen enough to have her put up for fraud and driven out of town._

_The next day, she sat upon the edge of her bed, breath short, but the room remained still._

_Instead, in the afternoon, he came to offer her a deal._

_She would marry him, or he would expose her to the township._

_Jongup stood silently, watching with arms tightly crossed._

_She agreed._

 

_***_

 

_Himchan woke up next to the merchant, but the merchant did not wake up at all. His lips were black and his skin was without colour, and as she rushed towards the tent outside it became clear that all his guards had suffered a similar fate._

_She found Jongup frantically packing, all of her and the merchants combined wares in the back of the merchant’s wagon. His face was blank, and his eyes moved fast, following nothing._

_“What have you done?”_

_“I wasn’t about to let them have you.”_

_“Jongup……”_

_Himchan was at a loss. They could no longer stay here, it would only be hours before the bodies were discovered._

_“You need to go out into the forest and bury them, I’ll pack.”_

_There was a hint of relief on his face and he started on his way, and HImchan ramped up her effort._

_In less than a hour she was packed and gone, and Jongup was found out in the forest, burying the three bodies._

_While he was being executed, she was finding wealth as a trader on the other side of the country._

 

 

***

 

 

“What the fuck?”

Himchan gestured admonishingly at Youngjae, eyes focussed on Jongup’s trembling form.

 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue.”

 

Yongguk’s voice was quiet but commanding, but Jongup’s small raised hand cut him off from any more talking.

 

“I don’t think we should recollect anymore either, but we still need to get to know each other more.”

 

“No.”

 

Yongguk’s refusal was harsh and immediate.

 

Jongup’s teary eyes made Yongguks shoulders slump, and he instead kept his eyes on them, clearly waiting for them to continue.

 

“Just because you are captain in our jobs does not mean you are the leader in our group.”

 

The other two made noises of agreement, and found themselves victim of Yongguk’s glare. Himchan laughed.

 

“What are you so afraid of anyway?”

 

“I…….. I don’t want-“ He gestured at all of them. “-to follow the same patterns. I don’t try hard enough, things go wrong, some or all of us die. Repeat.”

 

Jongup laughed openly at that, uncurling their legs so they dangled below rather than being pressed into their chest.

 

“Have you heard the things I’ve done? I’ve killed all of you at least once throughout our lives, and I’m willing to give this whole, six person thing, a go. You don’t get to say ‘oh I’m scared I won’t care enough.’ Learn to talk about your feelings like an adult.”

 

Youngjae clapped, lips stretching wide as he grinned.

 

Yongguk’s face was blank, but slowly it softened and he nodded.

  
“Okay.”

 

 

***

 

 

Im Jaebum was, to put it lightly, a fool.

 

Yongguk was almost shocked that the man thought he would be able to hide any sort of plan from his telepathic captain. Although he had been busy for most of the previous day, the second he had left the med bay he had heard Jaebum’s thundering thoughts.

 

“I honestly should not be telling you this, but I know you are going to pursue this further if I don’t.”

“Why didn’t we know earlier? Is another Starfleet group on this mission? Are we looking for a turncoat?”

“No. Jackson is our mole. The fewer of us that know, the lower the probability of us accidentally outing him to the traffickers.”

“Oh.”

“You are not to try and make any sort of contact with him again, because it could directly lead to not only blowing his cover, but his painful and untimely death. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir.”

Jaebum’s face was impassive, but the swirling concern of his thoughts was startlingly loud.

“I know that you…. Care a lot for Jackson. But it is best if you do not try and interfere okay?”

Jaebum nodded, eyes on the floor.

“You’re dismissed.”

 

Jaebum stormed into the kitchens.

 

 

***

 

 

Daehyun had to say, there was a lot more waiting, and doing nothing, in her current state than she anticipated.

She usually woke up after the sun, and just sat curled up in her tiny cage until midday (she assumed, it was difficult to tell what time it was.) Then she would be blindfolded and taken for some sort of testing, whether it be using her powers or a blood test (or once they even gave her a reading test.)

The rest of her day was spent in a slightly bigger cage with a few other mutants (nobody ever talked) while they all got to eat (the food was awful.)

 

And it was so boring.

 

Daehyun had come in expecting torture, beatings and starvation, but instead all she encountered was vague disinterest and the near constant scent of urine

 

Was it awful to hope she would be shipped out somewhere soon?

 

 

***

 

 

After the screaming incident, Zelo was gifted a mask. (It actually attached to xir face, it had been drilled into xir head and was pretty much the most painful thing xie had ever experienced.) Xie could still breath and eat, obviously, but it was supposed to dampen xir power if xie ever tried to scream again.

 

(Xie couldn’t even open xir mouth, and all xir food had to go through a straw)

 

So far it had been useless to try and explain that xie had no idea how xie even managed to scream that much in the first place.

 

There had been no sign of Daehyun, which was both a relief and a concern.

 

Zelo was also unsure if the mole was supposed to make themselves apparent, because everyone treated xem with the same vague distaste.

 

 

***

 

 

The red dot was gone.

 

Daehyun was gone.

 

Yongguk went to sleep, only for a few hours, and woke to this.

 

There was a little flashing notification in the corner of his tablet screen.

 

Yongguk paused, set his tablet to record its screen, and then settled on his bed to watch the video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the timing is kinda a bit rushed in this but i'm trying to push things along haha  
> as always comments and feedback are totally encouraged!!! I have no idea when I'll update but??? eventually (it should be reasonably soon this time tho !! get rowdy !!)

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is like 2930820% welcome!!! I have no idea when I'll update this again or where it's gonna go but we'll see!!


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